Total pages in book: 106
Estimated words: 97951 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 490(@200wpm)___ 392(@250wpm)___ 327(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 97951 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 490(@200wpm)___ 392(@250wpm)___ 327(@300wpm)
“Oh, God…this is so hard! It hurts so bad! He hurt me so badly!”
Her hand shook and she almost dropped the letter again. She buckled at the knees and Lennox caught her, holding her to him.
“It’s okay, sweetheart… It’s okay.” He cradled her head like she was a baby. Let her fall apart against his strong body. She felt so safe in his arms. She cried against his shoulder, soaking his shirt. Her heart leapt in her chest and a wave of dull pain consumed her. She stayed that way for a long time, then slowly pulled away from him.
“I’m going to finish. I have to. I am strong enough to do this. I can get through this. I will get through this.” He nodded and wrapped his arm around her once again. Placing the letter in her pocket, she resumed talking.
“The letter is gone. I am not going to read from it anymore. I’m talking to you one-on-one. Straight from the heart. No script. Daddy… Yes, I changed to Daddy now, because I’m stopping this curse. Letting go of the anger. You were supposed to not just be my father, but my daddy, and I pray in some way, shape or form, even in death, you may have a chance to do that. I don’t know how this heaven and hell thing works, and I don’t know which one you reside in, but I do know that God is for real. God is merciful. I’m not God, it’s above me now, and even though you pretended you were God from time to time, we both know that deep down it was just a cover-up for your low self-esteem and insecurities. I don’t know what happened to you, Daddy, but I’m not passing that shit along to the next generation. This curse was born in the darkness, and now, I am shedding light on it. No more physical, sexual, emotional, verbal and mental abuse. No more unnecessary quarrels due to manipulation. No more violence of any kind. No more neglect. No more cruel sarcasm. No more lies and only telling half of the truth, or none at all, because you’re ashamed! It stops with me! I deserve better! My fiancé deserves better, Daddy! My mama and my brother deserve better!
“They’re going to get a better version of me, because I was not created and put here to grovel in my pain. I am stronger than that! I have business to take care of, and a life to live. JoAnn was a lot of things, Daddy, but weak isn’t one of them. I am so thankful for her intelligence and strength. I am so thankful that she and I are getting along better, and she is now open to having the hard talks with me that are long overdue! No, everything is not fixed, it’ll take time, but she is willing to listen and share with me parts of her life that she had closed off. Nelson, my wonderful brother, is a damn good man.
“Despite not having the father figure that he too so desperately needed, he is tryna help raise a little girl that isn’t even his! Even after his divorce – he knows he is still that child’s father. That’s what real men, do! I wish him healing and grace. We all have to do better! We can only do better, when we know better. And now we know. Your grandbabies that I bring forth need a mother who is not too proud to beg for forgiveness!
“They need a healthy mother—in mind, body and spirit—and if I have to go to a local shrink weekly, I will. If I have to pay on a monthly basis to get cussed out and put back on track by that slick talkin’, Asian-Egyptian, thug ass, disrespectful nympho with unnerving mind-reading abilities who goes by the name, Dr. Saint Aknaten, so be it! If I have to read five-hundred-page self-help books, join support groups, volunteer at a women’s shelter, attend church, take a million yoga and meditation classes for the rest of my days, then sign me up! There is nothing I won’t do for myself anymore. It is self-care! It is the psychological soft life! There is nothing I won’t do for my mama, except not be true to myself. She sacrificed a lot, and yes, I needed more from her, but damn it, I can’t say she didn’t try and that is far more than I can say for you!
“There is nothin’ I won’t do for this man,” she pointed to Lennox, “because he earned it! When I start to fall, he lies down in front of me and takes the brunt! When I need a crutch, he becomes my fortress to lean on! When I hurt, he becomes my emotional aspirin. When I am disappointed, he helps restore my hope and faith. Real men exist in this world, not just little boys, pretending to be fathers who are afraid to stay put and water their gardens! Broken people make broken homes! Broken homes break children in half! We end up not knowin’ if we’re coming or going.