Total pages in book: 102
Estimated words: 97287 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 486(@200wpm)___ 389(@250wpm)___ 324(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 97287 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 486(@200wpm)___ 389(@250wpm)___ 324(@300wpm)
“That’s quite the analogy.”
“I watched the movie last night. Anyway, did you break her heart again?”
Even though I deserve that and I know it’s true, my hackles go up. “What makes you think I did in the first place?”
“Just what Eddie told me. Well, Monica was more astute to that. Heartbreak is pretty obvious if you know what to look for.”
I look down at my beer, feeling a rush of shame.
“So you did,” Magnus muses. “May I ask what happened? Because Ella and I have a bet going on.”
“Ella knows?” Oh god, please don’t tell me that Lady Jane does too.
“She does. We talk about the two of you all the time. Lady Jane does as well, but that’s only because Laila confided in her.”
I run my hand down my face and make an anguished noise. “I can’t believe this.” How does everyone know? How is this possible? “What did Laila say to Lady Jane? Do you know?”
“Yeah, she said she was in love with you.”
The noise gets louder.
“Oh, bloody hell,” I cry out softly.
“Here, finish your beer and I’ll get you another,” Magnus says, pushing my glass under my face. He goes to the bar, and I stay where I am, stewing in the enormity of what he said while finishing the rest of the beer, as if it will drown my feelings.
Laila told Lady Jane that she loved me.
When? Before I nearly lost her, lost my balls, and fucked everything up? Or did she tell her afterward? Like, is it possible she still feels that way about me, even after all I did?
Magnus comes back with the beers and sits back down, sliding mine toward me.
“When did Laila tell Lady Jane?” I ask.
“I’m not sure.”
“Was it before or after…”
He raises a brow. “Before or after what, James?” he asks dryly.
“Before I fucked shit up with her for the second time.”
“And so what happened?” He gestures for me to continue. “How exactly did you fuck shit up this time?”
I exhale heavily and lean back in my seat, wiggling the tension out of my jaw. “I don’t know. I was just…it was the same as the time before. We had sex and it was emotional and…I freaked the fuck out.”
“And why did you freak the fuck out?”
“Because I almost lost her,” I tell him. “When that man tried to attack her. I saw my whole life flash in front of my eyes, but it was a life without her in it. I realized I can’t be close to her and do my job. I can’t be with someone who’s in the line of danger.”
“But as a member of the royal household she has always been a target.”
“I know,” I tell him. “But it didn’t really register until that day on the mountain.”
“And now you’re scared.” He pauses. “But that doesn’t change the fact that she’s in love with you…for some reason,” he adds under his breath.
“I’m not deserving of her love,” I practically snipe. “I’m a mess. I’m flawed. I’m…not a person that people stick around for. Not my parents, not my first wife. People leave me. And they should. I mean, look at how I treated her. If she loves me, then…I’m only going to hurt her.”
Magnus’s eyes are sympathetic as he gives me a half smile. “I see. So it goes deeper than just the fear of losing her. Do you think you’re protecting her, or are you protecting yourself?”
I hesitate, needing to mull that over. I thought I was protecting her from myself. But maybe I’m actually protecting myself from her.
“I don’t know,” I admit. “Maybe both. But in the end, I hurt her. I pretty much stonewalled her again, and this whole time, this whole fucking time we were together, that was my worst fear. That I’d hurt her.”
“And you did,” he says simply.
I close my eyes. My chest feels like it’s getting knifed between the ribs.
“You know what a dritsekk is in English, James?” Magnus asks.
“A shitbag?” I say, looking at him.
“Yes. You are a shitbag, James.”
My shoulders sink, and I have a gulp of beer. “I know.”
“So what is the solution here, then?” Magnus says. “You can’t quit because of this. Don’t make us suffer because you can’t handle your emotions properly.”
That’s rich coming from Magnus, but I bite my tongue.
“The thing is,” he goes on, “love is always going to be a risk. I should know, I’m the king of risks.”
“More like the prince of risks,” I point out. It’s not lost on me that we’re talking about love now. Because that is what I’m feeling for Laila. It’s love. There’s no question about it.
“James,” he says gravely, and I have no choice but to shut up and listen. “I’ve done many scary, outrageous fucking things in my life, but falling in love with Ella was by far the most terrifying. No one who loves truly and freely does so without being scared, because the loss of love is a world-ender. If I lost Ella, my world would simply cease to be. But we accept the risk and take a leap of faith, because if—when—it works out, there’s nothing greater. You just have to accept the risk and take the leap and have some damn faith that things will work out the way they’re supposed to. You’re a brave man, James, I know that. If you can dive in front of a bullet, you can give your heart to Laila.”