Total pages in book: 130
Estimated words: 126425 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 632(@200wpm)___ 506(@250wpm)___ 421(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 126425 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 632(@200wpm)___ 506(@250wpm)___ 421(@300wpm)
“I mean, look, she’s my mom and I love her and all, I really do, but I don’t know that I realized before how much my choices were being driven by her. Either toward things or away from them. No matter what I chose, for most of my life, it hasn’t been me doing the choosing. Not really. It’s always been so she wouldn’t get disappointed if I did the wrong thing or did something she didn’t think was worthy. Or, in some cases, because she’d think that. I’ve always kind of balanced this rebellious streak—which I think might actually be who I am, Lesperia Renée is right about me not wanting to play by the rules—against this need to make sure people like me, or to not allow myself to fail, or whatever I was doing. And, y’know, I don’t really wanna do that anymore. I deserve to be happy. And to get what I want. Woulda been nice to figure it out sooner, but hey, some people never do, so… big winner.”
I point my thumbs at my chest. And as I start to turn my face back toward the sun, I catch a small smile creeping across Britney’s face.
“What?” I ask. “That’s a creepy smile. Why are you doing that?”
“I’m just stoked for you.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah… Me too.” I grin back and splash the water with my feet. It feels nice. Then I notice that Britney’s smile is dropping and she looks away from me. “What’s wrong?”
“Huh? Oh, nothing. I just…” She lets her bikini top rise and fall with her breath. “I feel like… Like I haven’t been as good a friend to you as I could be.”
I wasn’t expecting that. “What in the John Barleycorn are you talking about?”
“I dunno. I could have maybe done a better job of encouraging you. Like, Filling the Gap. I was the one who told you that you couldn’t publish it. And clearly I was wrong about that. When we got to Vegas, I let you stay one night in that bedbug-ridden den of iniquity instead of insisting harder that you take your suite at the Aria. I just could’ve been better. I’m sorry.”
I stare at her like she has two heads before splashing water on her. “What”—splash—“in the ever-loving”—splash—“name of Jane Austen are you talking about?” Splash.
She laughs and throws her arms up in front of her face. “Stop! Stop!”
“Brit… I wouldn’t even be doing this if it weren’t for you. I never would have set dirty word to computer screen, probably, if you hadn’t encouraged it. Everything that’s happening is because you gave me the push I needed. So, stop it. Hell, thanks to you, I’ll now have four books out instead of three!” I splash her one more time for good measure. She laughs again.
“Okay, okay,” she says. “So does that mean I can get a raise as your assistant? My mom’s actually been on me to get a real job and I really don’t want to work at Skinny Laminx.”
“Given the fact that you currently make exactly nothing as my assistant? Done.”
We both laugh.
“As soon as the money starts showing up,” I add. “It takes a couple months, from what I understand. So, until then, I may need you to still drive me places for free.”
“Deal,” she says, still giggling.
We both turn our faces skyward.
After a moment, Brit asks, “You hear from Steve at all?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“You think about calling him?”
“I don’t have his number.”
“Really?”
“He never gave it to me and I didn’t think to ask.”
“You good with that?”
No. I’m not good with it. Not really. But, I’m also trying to understand. He got hit with a haymaker right as the convention was ending. He’s got to be reeling. Obviously, I’m not thrilled.
However... I’m really, really leaning into this new, more measured, more ... chill ... Cordelia Sarantopoulos. As best I can, anyway. And measured, super chill Cordy can wait while Steve deals with this whole #FraudTwins thing (so lame, I mean even #DecepticonSS would work). Besides, I’ve got to reckon with what’s happening in my career at the moment. Ironic that his fall and my ascent would happen at the same time like this, but…
It’s the tall flower phenomenon. We tend a garden and work so hard to get our flowers to grow and bloom, but when one of them grows too tall and begins to overshadow the others, we make sure we cut it down with a quickness.
SS is that flower.
But the thing is, I’m becoming a tall flower too all of a sudden. So, I need to make sure I have a chance to bloom before anyone tries to cut me down. I believe Steve and I will see each other again. (I do. I really do. I’m not just saying that to convince myself. I don’t ... think.) But, in the meantime, I need to stay focused on tending my own garden.