Total pages in book: 100
Estimated words: 91467 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 457(@200wpm)___ 366(@250wpm)___ 305(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 91467 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 457(@200wpm)___ 366(@250wpm)___ 305(@300wpm)
Like I hadn’t had to fight like hell to erase them from my mind so that I could go on living day by day. I rubbed my hand over the sudden ache in my chest. “I can’t go through this again. Fuck me, no.”
Cade
For two years I’ve been a shell of myself. I walked, talked, ate and slept, but inside I was dead. Something had been taken from me. The most vital part of me was gone.
I thought I’d finally found a way to put it all behind me in the past six months. It had taken me that long. But I know now that I’d only been fooling myself.
I’ll never be over it, never be able to move on in this life. Renewed pain shot through me and I felt tears gather in my eyes as I was thrown back to the beginning of my own personal hell.
I miss her so fucking much! When will this ache go away? When will I be free of the memories? Maybe I should just end it. Go be with her in death. Anything is better than living through this constant hell.
Why did you leave me; damn you? Why did you tear the heart from me, leaving me as nothing? And why can’t I let you go? Why every time I even think of moving on, do I feel like I’m betraying you, us, our love? If you gave a damn about me you would’ve given me a sign, something, anything to let me know…
I cut my thoughts off as my chest tightened and my breath grew short again. My head swam and my hands shook too bad to drive safely. But I knew I couldn’t turn back; go back to Mindy’s place, not after the stunt I’d just pulled. And for some reason the thought of seeing her again left me cold.
I closed my eyes and waited for the trembling to stop and the nausea to pass. It wasn’t that far a distance to home, once there I’d take something for whatever the hell I was coming down with.
I just needed to stay alert long enough. Twenty minutes was all I needed to get me to my door. I waited until I’d calmed myself and cleared my head enough for the short journey.
My heart raced as I turned the key in the ignition. I pulled onto the road again and only got about a half a mile before the pain started up again, more intense this time.
Is this it? Am I about to die? Is that why my mind has been plaguing me with the past all damn day? Had my heart finally had enough and decided to just give up? Maybe it was time.
Maybe I should just give up since I haven’t been living for the past two years anyway. Maybe now I will be able to join her again, if not in life in death. I’ll take it.
I saw her face in my mind’s eye, that beautiful smile that I’ve been missing and felt the pain of wanting her with every beat of my heart.
My body grew weaker as whatever bug I’d caught coursed its way through me and I felt myself giving in to the darkness that shrouded my mind, almost accepting my fate.
I felt the sweetness of seeing her again just before reality struck and I jerked myself back and got ahold of myself. What the fuck am I thinking? No fucking way.
She’s out there somewhere, waiting for me to come find her. I would know if she was gone from this world. I would stop breathing myself if she was no longer here.
Something had happened to take her away from me and I won’t rest until I figure out what had happened to my woman. No giving in you fuck, fight; hold on. She’s out there, somewhere, waiting…
Anger helped push some of the burning in my chest away. Anger and renewed purpose. It had been a while since I felt this strongly about it. After the up and down battle of hoping she was alive and not being sure, I’d had to let go for my own peace of mind.
After the first year or so with no results I’d had no choice but to accept the multiple reports from not only the cops, but also the private investigators. She was gone without a trace and no amount of money spent could change that.
Everyone else seemed convinced that she was dead. That’s when they weren’t trying to convince me that she’d ran off with someone else. I seemed to be the only one who didn’t think either of those things were true. But I’d exhausted all my resources with no results.
All I had was my own gut instinct and that told me there was no way in hell my woman had chosen to leave me on her own. But like the cops had drilled into my head more than once, that wasn’t hard evidence; wasn’t enough to keep them on the clock.