Total pages in book: 99
Estimated words: 92779 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 464(@200wpm)___ 371(@250wpm)___ 309(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 92779 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 464(@200wpm)___ 371(@250wpm)___ 309(@300wpm)
He lifts a brow doubtfully, but slowly lowers himself to the center of the couch, giving me the floor.
“Right. Okay,” I say, nodding as I start to walk back and forth to do something with all the pent-up nervous energy zinging through me. “So, last night . . . Let me start at the beginning, even though it seems stupid now.” I look at him like he’s going to argue, but he doesn’t say a word. “In that bathroom, when Mollie was telling June all about the two of you—”
At that, he does interrupt. “I’m not fucking Mollie. Haven’t since well before October.”
“I know,” I agree, “but in that moment, all these ugly feelings came bubbling back up, and it felt like I was reliving that moment where I was standing in the doorway of my boyfriend’s room and everything I thought I knew was shattering inside me. I’m realizing that I maybe didn’t deal with that in the best, most mature way. Apparently, shoving it in a box under the bed—literally, that’s where all the old memorabilia was before I torched it last night—isn’t the healthiest.” I laugh like that’s funny, when it’s most definitely not.
He cocks his head, peering at me in horrified confusion. “You had sentimental crap from that asshole literally underneath your bed?”
“Yeah,” I sigh. “That was Rayleigh’s reaction too. She said it’s like bad vibes or something.” I don’t really believe in that stuff the way Rayleigh does, but it did feel good to burn all the pictures, movie ticket stubs, and notes I had from Buchanan. It was especially cathartic to flambé the condom wrapper from our first time, which was my first ever. “It’s gone now,” I assure him.
“Good. Fuck what’s-his-name.”
Oh, he knows Buchanan’s name. There’s no doubt about that, but he’s taking away the power it has over me too.
I flash a small smile of appreciation but get back to exposing my greatest damage to the one man who’s ever demanded to see it, hoping that it won’t be too much for him to handle and that it’s not too late.
“I wanted to bleed you in Chuck’s for cheating,” I confess quietly, my eyes falling to the floor.
“You should’ve. Would’ve saved us a lot of time and stupid shit,” he says. “We could have hashed it out right there.”
I look up, not expecting him to find any humor in my admission of murderous anger. But it’s right there, dancing in his dark eyes. “Maybe so, but I think last night did us both some good.” I walk another lap across my living room, trying to pull my thoughts together again. “What you said, it hurt. A lot. And when you left, I drank the rest of that bottle of wine and ended up ugly crying on the bathroom floor.”
“Joy—” He starts to get up, reaching for me with both arms, but I hold a hand out to stop him.
“That’s when I realized you were right. I was keeping us a secret for a lot of reasons, none of which have anything to do with you and my brother the way I said.” I swallow at the ugliness I’m about to share, praying it’s not too much. “I was afraid people would think I’m nothing more than a WAG. In the past, I’ve judged women harshly for that myself, and I didn’t want people to think that about me when I’ve worked my ass off to be respected in a male-dominated field.”
Now that I’ve started, the confessions come easier and faster, rolling off my tongue and lightening my soul. “And I was afraid you’d eventually cheat because that’s what men do. I know it’s not all men—my dad would never cheat on my mom, Ben would never cheat on Hope, so I know it’s not a sure thing. But it is for me. So I keep everyone at a safe distance so I don’t have to live through that pain again. I never want people to look at me with pity that way. And if no one knew, I could curl up and hide the hurt behind a strong facade when it happened. When, you know? Not if. Because not only did I fall in love with someone, I fell in love with the biggest risk of all—an athlete, a player, with a love ’em and leave ’em reputation. I was too weak to resist you, and you never gave me a reason to doubt you, but my own insecurities made me doubt that I would be enough to keep you.”
I’m gutted empty after laying everything bare, and he’s literally grinding his teeth to stay quiet, letting me spill it all. “You done?”
I nod, letting my eyes fall to the floor again, but then I realize one more thing and shake my head instead as I meet his gaze. “I love you, Dalton. You restored my hope, my faith in relationships, but my trust took a little longer. Trust in you, in us, but mostly in myself. It’s there now, though, along with all the damage that I’m still working on.”