Total pages in book: 127
Estimated words: 122219 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 611(@200wpm)___ 489(@250wpm)___ 407(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 122219 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 611(@200wpm)___ 489(@250wpm)___ 407(@300wpm)
“Many people do. Then they crash and burn because it was too much, too soon, too hard. That leaves a feeling of even more depression because you’re hard on yourself, and you feel as if you’ve failed, when really, you just went too hard, too soon. And it’s not about chasing the past. It’s about allowing a new future through finding your sunbeams.”
“Break it down.”
“The sunbeams are the small bursts of light that break through one’s window of depression. The little flickers of light that remind you of how life can feel. Those sunbeams can be anything. People, places, activities. Mine was my family. Coming back home and working on the farm. Holding a baseball bat in my hands. Laughing with my brothers. To the outside world, these aren’t big things, but to me…they got me to the next day. Over time, I started finding more beams of light. Things that filled me with joy. Over time, the light grew. It’s not a constant thing. Some days, the beams are more abundant than others. But still, the light always comes in. So I think that’s what you need to do. Find your beams of light.”
“I like that thought,” I whispered. “But what if I don’t even have enough energy to get out of bed to shower?”
“Then your sunbeam is your ability to open your eyes and lay still.”
I shut my eyes and slightly shook my head. “But I want to shower. I need to shower. This is so embarrassing to even admit.”
“In the deepest parts of my depression, I went weeks without a shower and stayed hidden in a motel, Avery.” His hand fell against mine. “Never be embarrassed with me.”
As I opened my eyes, tears rolled down my cheeks. “Thank you, Nathan.”
“Of course. If you’d like, I can carry you.”
“Carry me?”
“To the bath. I can bathe with you and hold you through it.”
I tried to let out a chuckle, but it fell short. “No, Nathan. You don’t have to do that. You’ve already done too much, and I can’t ask you to do that.”
He moved a piece of hair from in front of my face, and a lazy smile fell to his lips. “Like I told you weeks ago, Ave. I’ll take care of you.”
A small sob broke through my lips as I let his words envelop me. I felt weak. Tired. Ashamed. And still, he smiled at me and said he’d take care of me.
His thumb brushed away a few of the tears. “Just say the word, and I’ll draw a bath.”
I closed my eyes and nodded. “Please,” I requested.
His lips fell to my forehead, and he kissed me gently. “Always.”
He climbed out of bed and headed out of my room. I listened to the sound of running water as I stayed exactly where he’d left me. About ten minutes later, he returned to the room and lifted me from the bed in his arms.
I laid my head against his shoulder as he walked me to his bathroom. The room was dark, and I appreciated that. Only a few candles glowed as he placed me down on my feet. He began to undress me slowly, pulling my T-shirt over my head before he took off my sweatpants. He removed my bra and panties without taking his stare away from my eyes. There was nothing sexual about the interaction, but the heavy level of intimacy filled me up. He then removed his own clothing. For a few seconds, we stood completely naked. I should’ve felt exposed, but instead, I felt safe. Protected. Free to be broken within his realm.
Nathan took my hands into his and led me to the tub. He helped me step in first, then he stepped into the tub behind me. His body wrapped around mine, and I fell into him as if he were the safety net I needed. He reached for the bath soap and washcloth as I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing. He began to clean my body all over, the warmth of the water feeling like a balm to my soul. He didn’t speak, and I was thankful for the silence as he washed us both from head to toe. After a while, he let the water drain from the tub and turned on the overhead shower. He then washed my hair as we remained sitting in the tub.
Water crystals rolled down my cheeks as I kept my eyes shut the whole time. Nathan’s hands massaged my scalp, getting the conditioner deep into the roots. As he rinsed it out, I wondered if he noticed my falling tears intermixing with the shower water flowing down my face.
If he did, he didn’t say a word. Instead, he just made sure I was clean from head to toe.
When we finished, he shut off the water and climbed out of the tub. He wrapped a towel around his waist and retrieved two more towels from his towel warmer. He helped me stand and wrapped a towel around my body, then took another and wrapped it around my hair.