Total pages in book: 97
Estimated words: 94609 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 473(@200wpm)___ 378(@250wpm)___ 315(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 94609 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 473(@200wpm)___ 378(@250wpm)___ 315(@300wpm)
“Oh, Theo…”
“Yeah. That did a number on my psyche. Not long after that I learned she was pregnant with Peter’s kid. We never spoke again until she showed up after Jensen was born. This was when she was sick and knew she didn’t have much time left. She asked me to look after her son for her. To take care of him if he needed anything. She also gifted me those rocking chairs for Jensen. She asked me to hold on to them and let him sit in them when he wanted to feel closer to her.”
“Even after what she did to you, you still took those chairs from her and looked after Jensen?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said, his voice low and controlled. “Because that’s the bullshit no one tells you about love. It doesn’t just turn directly into hate. Most of the time, love turns into sorrow, not hatred. Then other times, love lasts forever, and you do right by the very people who did you so wrong.”
“Sometimes I think love is a curse.”
“Yeah,” he agreed. “But what a beautiful fucking curse it can be.”
“I feel that way about my friendship with Anna. After her mother told me Anna never wanted to see me again, I left town. Because I loved her too much to be a reminder in town of what I stole from her.”
“How did that situation change you? Losing Anna in your life?”
I told him exactly how it changed my life. I’d spent years trying to live the life Anna dreamed of because I felt I’d stolen that world from her.
When I was a child, I never thought I’d travel the world. I always thought I’d stay in the small town, with my small-town life that felt so big to me. Married with kids. A lot of kids. A litter of them, I’d always joke. I wanted to have a garden that I tended to every night. I wanted to fall in love with the same person over and over again until we both kissed the earth goodbye. I wanted a slow life, a slow love, and a slow existence. A life like Molly’s.
Anna was the opposite of me. She craved the road; she craved that freedom. And after the accident, she lost all her future plans in an instant. I felt the heaviest level of guilt for what I stole from my friend. I stole her life. I stole her freedom. So all I could think to do was live for her. See all the places she talked about and kiss all the souls she’d dreamed about kissing. It wasn’t healthy, but the longer it went on, the more I pretended it was fine. The faster I moved through life, the less I thought about it. I’d pretend I was happy. I’d pretend I was all right. It was all going fine until I met him.
Theodore Langford.
The boy who showed me what it looked like to slow down.
The boy who lived life slowly.
Not chasing anything but the next bite on his line.
Watching Theo, even the grumpy chapters written in the story of him, was like watching a vision of the life I used to daydream about for hours. He and his world were everything I’d ever dreamed of for myself. A slow life. Not easy, but peaceful.
Meeting him was triggering in so many ways because I truly forgot about my dreams until he walked into the picture frame.
Theo and I shared everything that night—our hurts, our pains, our struggles. He talked about his mother, and I talked about mine—something I never did. He listened to every word I shared, and I listened to everything he said, too.
Theo turned his chair toward me and placed his hands against my raised knees that I was tucking into my chest. He stayed there for a few moments, simply maintaining eye contact with me. He didn’t say any words, but that wasn’t uncommon. At first, I thought his lack of words meant a lack of interest, but I now realized how silly I was to ever think such a thing.
His silence wasn’t disinterest. It was comfort.
I never knew silence could be comforting because I never sat in it long enough to hear its calming whispers.
Next, Theo reached his arms around me and pulled me onto his lap. I wrapped my arms around his neck and rested my head against the crook of his neck, closing my eyes as I breathed him in. The boat swayed slightly from me falling into his lap, and then it steadied again. I steadied again against his chest. It amazed me what being in his arms could do to the loudness of my soul.
It was as if words were no longer needed when he wrapped me in his arms. It was as if this little bird didn’t find the sudden need to so desperately fly away. My wings were tired. All I wanted to do was rest. And he became the weighted blanket wrapped around me that silently fed me my new favorite lullabies.