Total pages in book: 102
Estimated words: 120326 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 602(@200wpm)___ 481(@250wpm)___ 401(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 120326 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 602(@200wpm)___ 481(@250wpm)___ 401(@300wpm)
I can’t handle this. I need to get back in the driver’s seat. I need to be the one holding the cards, and the only way to do that is to shut down and pretend again. Pretend I’m the person I’ve constructed around her for years.
Taking a deep breath, I stand and dust off my pants. Staring down at her from my full height, I say, “I do nothing because I don’t care enough to change.”
Her eyes flutter in surprise as I walk away. One day all these lies are going to eat me alive.
And the problem is that the opposite is true, because when it comes to Lana, I care too much.
Part Four
Cruelty Births an Offspring Called Regret
Thirteen
Rushing down two flights of stairs, I race my way out of the house and into the front garden, breathing heavily, my heart beating fast. I take a moment to gasp in air before I walk out onto the street. A group of men and women are just emerging from a taxi, and, without thinking, I slip in after them, telling the driver to bring me home to Sasha’s.
I’m not sure why I’m running away. It’s not like there was anything wrong with what she’d been doing. It’s just that catching her like that was mortifying for both of us, and now I can barely even remember why I’d been looking for her to begin with. I let myself into the house with the spare key and go straight up to my room, stripping off my clothes and stepping under the hot blast of the shower.
I wrap myself up in a towel robe and get into bed with my hair still wet, switching off the light. Ten minutes later the front door opens and shuts, and before I know it Sasha’s entering my room and turning the light back on. She looks exhausted and a little bit drunk as I sit up in the bed. We just stare at each other for a moment, neither of us knowing what to say.
Sasha is the one who breaks the silence first. “I looked through Alistair’s whole house for you. Your phone was going straight to voicemail. Eventually I figured you’d gone home.”
“Yeah, I…” My voice cracks. “I’m an idiot for running off. I’m so sorry for walking in on you like that.”
She pulls the scrap of an old receipt from her pocket and begins rolling it between her fingers. “I suppose I have some explaining to do,” she says quietly, not meeting my eyes.
I hate that she feels the need to explain herself. I can practically see the shame radiating off her, and she has absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. “You don’t have to,” I tell her gently. “It’s nobody’s business but yours. That being said, I want to know you, Sasha. You’re my best friend.”
She laughs joylessly, shaking her head and looking up to the ceiling. “You know, there were so many times when it was on the tip of my tongue to tell you, but then I’d always chicken out.”
“Well, that’s understandable. We all get scared sometimes. Look, stop standing all the way over there. Come and sit beside me,” I say.
She seems wary, but eventually she slips off her shoes and walks over to the bed, sitting down on the side I never sleep on. I expect her to start talking again, but she doesn’t, so I take it upon myself to keep the conversation going.
“So why did you chicken out? You know I wouldn’t see you any differently just because you’re gay.”
She lets her head fall into her hands. “Ah! I can’t even hear you say it. It feels too weird,” she mutters.
“Now you’re being ridiculous. It’s not weird.”
She turns and gives me a look. “Don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Act all modern and non-judgemental.”
I laugh gently. “But I am modern and non-judgemental.”
“You know what I mean, Lana. It’s patronising.”
“Okay, well, that wasn’t my intention. So is it because of your dad that you never told anyone? Because you think he’d, like, disown you or something?”
She rubs at her arm. “Ugh, this dress is so uncomfortable. I think I’ll go get changed.” She makes a move to stand up, but I grab her arm and pull her back down.
“No, you don’t, Sash. We’re talking this out here and now.”
She looks at me pleadingly. “Lana…”
“Sasha, please, I feel like you don’t trust me.”
A sigh escapes her as she settles back into the pillows, staring at the ceiling again. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, and yes, a lot of my issues do spring from Dad, but there are other reasons I kept it from you.”
I lean forward. “Such as?”
Her dark eyes flick to me, and suddenly her expression has turned intense. “Such as the fact that I had a gigantic crush on you when we were younger,” she states, almost aggressively.
I stare at her with my jaw hanging open. That was the last thing I ever expected to hear from her.
“Oh, God,” she groans, and tugs at her hair. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
I blink several times, trying to make my brain work past the shock. “You…you had a crush…on me?” My voice shoots up a note at the end of the question.
“Yes. I’ve been over it for years, just so you know.” She arches her brow at me wryly. “But when I did like you that way, I was so afraid of telling you for fear I’d scare you off and then you wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore. Besides, I could tell you weren’t into girls. You didn’t look at them like I looked at them, and then you had that little boyfriend of yours – Ronan.”
I let out a short burst of laughter. “Ronan was not my boyfriend!”
She gives me a tiny grin, and it’s the first sign of humour I’ve seen on her face since we began this conversation. “Maybe not, but you seemed to like him, so I knew you didn’t bat for my team, as they say.”