Total pages in book: 143
Estimated words: 132512 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 663(@200wpm)___ 530(@250wpm)___ 442(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 132512 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 663(@200wpm)___ 530(@250wpm)___ 442(@300wpm)
“No. No, it’s not. I failed you. I was a dumb coward and treated you in a way you didn’t deserve. I’m so sorry.”
“You’re not a coward. You walked into a police station for me—”
“No, I am. You know better than anyone how reckless I can be with my life, but my heart is fragile, and I acted the way I did to protect it,” Cole whispered, squirming in shame. “I chose to never believe in people, especially you, because if you betrayed my trust again, it would kill me. But the truth is that I haven’t been happy since we parted. I couldn’t trust another soul, and I was always alone, even when in company. Nobody could ever fill your shoes at my side,” Cole whispered, tightening his hold on Ned as irrational fear set in, telling him Ned would pull away and burst out of their hideout in a bid to get away from him.
He felt something hard against his palm where he put it against Ned’s chest, and when he looked into Ned’s eyes with a question in his own, Ned sighed. He reached into the jacket and pulled out the charred piece of bark Cole knew better than the back of his own hand.
Their initials carved into a heart. A symbol of all the years that had passed and all the stages their love had gone through. Still in Ned’s possession.
“You kept it…” Cole whispered, fighting the ache in his chest.
“Of course I kept it. Do you think you’ll be able to trust me again from now on?” Ned whispered so close to Cole’s ear his words felt like a caress. But they weren’t together. They weren’t intimate, just stuck under a moving wagon. The thought that Ned might never kiss Cole again was already slicing his heart in half.
He’d fucked up so badly, and if Ned needed time to think about the future, Cole would give it to him and pay whatever price Ned demanded.
“Ned, if you have any doubts, I put my life in your hands now. Whatever you want, I’ll give it to you,” Cole said despite fears that Ned might want to take him up on the offer of staying friends. Cole would accept his decision, because being around Ned was better than not having him at all, but hope still burned in his heart, fueled by every gentle touch of Ned’s hands.
Was he imagining things, or had Ned’s heart quickened its thudding against Cole’s chest?
“Forgiveness,” Ned whispered. “We can’t just move on. There’s only a future for us if you forgive me. I didn’t mean to keep lying to you out of malice. I didn’t tell you the truth all those years ago because I was afraid to lose you. You need to know I’ve got no excuse for killing Tom. He wanted to accept us the way we were. We spoke about it on the day everything ended, but I couldn’t let go of my need for vengeance. I’m not a good man, Cole.”
Cole’s mouth went dry, and in that moment he knew there was nothing left to forgive. Fear of being hurt again had been what had kept him from accepting Ned back into his life, but could their reunion really be so simple? Didn’t he deserve punishment for all the pain and humiliation he’d caused Ned?
“Suits me just fine, because I’m not a good man either. Just like Tom wasn’t. I don’t care that he offered to accept us, because I wouldn’t have wanted to stay after what he did in Three Stones. As for forgiveness… I’ve already forgiven you, Neddie,” Cole forced out as his throat closed, hurting as if the words had sharp edges. “I never stopped thinking about you. All those years, I dreamed of a world where we hadn’t parted, and I missed you so much, even when I hated you. It’s so damn messed up,” he said, shutting his eyes when they got uncomfortably damp.
“You missed me?” Ned asked in a voice so gentle Cole would rub against it if he could. His chest was tight, his eyes itched, and speaking became impossible when Ned rubbed Cole’s nape and kissed his ear. He smelled of soap and sweat, but also desert sage, and sand, and the happiest days in Cole’s life.
Cole sobbed, unable to rein in the emotion exploding in his chest at the sheer joy of Ned’s gesture. “I never loved anyone else. When you’re around, I feel like my old self again, as if everything is all right for once. And I almost lost you again,” Cole uttered, glad that darkness would hide the tears rolling down his face uncontrollably. He didn’t remember when was the last time he’d cried, but now that Ned had broken down his defences, he couldn’t stop.