Total pages in book: 8
Estimated words: 6599 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 33(@200wpm)___ 26(@250wpm)___ 22(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 6599 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 33(@200wpm)___ 26(@250wpm)___ 22(@300wpm)
What’s the secret you say? Easy, buy yourselves some big ass plates, stack it with food and share. Yup, it’s as simple as that. All your woman wants is to have something that’s yours and for you to freely give it to her without complaint ... kind of like our souls when you think about it. They just want to feel like you love them enough to part with a chicken wing or ten. That is the God’s honest truth of it. All you have to do is invest in new dishes and your life will become easier overnight.
The trick to the big ass plate is to have your regular portion sizes times two so technically you’re not losing out on consuming any grub. It’s very likely that your woman won’t be able to eat as much as you can, but just in case she surprises you and can tuck away as much as you can, have a pre-meal in secret so your stomach is ready just in case you don’t get as much food as you expect to. It’s all about preparation, my friend. Once you know how your enemy’s mind works, you can predict their moves and counter before they even make them.
However, if you want to risk death and have your food, and snacks entirely to yourselves, eat before you go home. That is the only way around this whole fucking nightmare. I don’t suggest having a hiding spot for food of your own within your house, women sniff that shit out and when that happens, you’ll find yourself in a dangerous situation that even this guide can’t get you out of.
Chapter Six
THE ARRIVAL OF … AUNT FLOW
* * *
This is a sticky subject—no pun intended.
The arrival of Aunt Flow is dreaded by some men, and feared by most. Women have it in their minds that they are the ones who go through hell because it’s their bodies that are bleeding from the inside out, and guys, I’m here to tell you that is bullshit. There is one thing that is worse than a woman having her period, and that is living with a woman who has her period. From a very young age, Ryder has taught us all to never speak to strangers, and each month I have to turn my back on that golden rule because I’m never sure which personality my wife will take on during the duration of Aunt Flow’s visit.
—Be alert, be cautious and for the love of God, don’t be a dickhead—
The Aunt Flow personalities are never ending, and ones that I know well are as follows:
Lucifer with a stick up his ass—this is a common personality, and even though it is the one that appears the most frequent, I still don’t like it. It makes me feel bad about myself for not putting the toilet seat down.
Eeyore being Eeyore—this personality is a rough storm to weather. Tears are fucking constant, and when you try to do something sweet to get rid of them, more fucking appear. You just have to accept that anything and everything is depressing to your woman during this time, and the week will be so much easier.
Is that my wife, or a hungry hippo?—this personality is hard on my wallet, during this time my woman really enjoys getting take-out. Sometimes twice a day. Never question how much she eats during this time, it will be held against you at a later date otherwise.
A vicious sex fiend—Look, I’m hardly going to be the man that complains about my wife constantly wanting to ride me like a cowgirl, but I know how much she hates sex when she has her period. She feels extra gross, but when the vicious sex fiend makes an appearance, she seems to forget that and is only short of humping my leg on sight. This is where I have to make an executive decision to prevent an argument when this personality goes away. My choice? I suddenly come down with an illness that makes me feel like death. You have no idea how many Oscars I should have won by now.
These four are the most common personalities, and I’ve yet to make friends with any of them. I don’t trust them, and I don’t like them, I never have and I never will. Aunt Flow is no joke, and she is not to be fucked with. The bitch is unpredictable, even if it’s a personality I’ve dealt with before. With each menstrual cycle, the personalities level up and become more powerful. Recently they have achieved boss status. The only thing I’ve found that helps in anyway is food, and wine. Have both stockpiled and ready for war because war is certainly what you’re about to engage in.
Good luck, because you’ll fucking need it.
Chapter Seven