Total pages in book: 131
Estimated words: 145402 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 727(@200wpm)___ 582(@250wpm)___ 485(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 145402 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 727(@200wpm)___ 582(@250wpm)___ 485(@300wpm)
"Question," Neil said, but it took him a few moments to figure out the right words. "When you said you don't like being touched, is it because you don't like it at all or because you don't trust anyone else enough to let them touch you?"
Andrew glanced at him. "It doesn't matter."
"If it didn't, I wouldn't ask," Neil said.
"It doesn't matter to a man who doesn't swing," Andrew clarified.
Neil shrugged. "I don't because I've never been allowed to. The only thing I could think about growing up was surviving." Maybe that was why this was in that gray area of what was acceptable. It didn't matter that Andrew was a would-be sociopath or a man; the idea of Andrew was so intertwined with the idea of Neil's safety that this too was a means of self-preservation. "Letting someone in meant trusting them to not stab me in the back when terrible people came looking for me. I was too afraid to risk it, so it was easier to be alone and not think about it. But I trust you."
"You shouldn't."
"Says the man who stopped." Neil gave Andrew a few moments to respond before saying, "I don't understand it, and I don't know what I'm doing, but I don't want to ignore it just because it's new. So are you completely off-limits or are there any safe zones?"
"What are you hoping for, coordinates?"
"I'm hoping to know where the lines are before I cross them," Neil said, "but I'm open to drawing a map on you if you want to loan me a marker. That's not a bad idea."
"Everything about you is a bad idea," Andrew said, as if Neil didn't already know that.
"I'm still waiting for an answer."
"I'm still waiting for a yes or no I actually believe," Andrew returned.
"Yes."
Neil took the pint from Andrew's unresisting fingers, stacked it on top of his, and leaned in. He stopped shy of actually kissing Andrew, not daring to touch him until Andrew gave him a green light. Andrew's expression didn't change but there was a subtle shift in his body's tension that told Neil he'd gotten Andrew's attention. Neil lifted a hand but stopped it a safe difference from Andrew's face. Andrew caught hold of his wrist and squeezed in warning.
"It's fine if you hate me," Neil said.
It was the truth, if a bit of an understatement. So long as Andrew was only physically attracted to Neil, this was safe to experiment with. Neil's death wouldn't be more than a faint inconvenience to Andrew.
"Good," Andrew said, "because I do."
For a second Neil thought Andrew would push him away and be done with this. Andrew did push, but he followed Neil down. The short carpet was rough against Neil's knuckles where Andrew pinned his hand over his head. Neil couldn't complain when Andrew was an unyielding weight on top of him. He started to reach for Andrew again but stopped himself halfway there. Andrew snagged that hand too and held it down out of the way.
"Stay," Andrew said, and leaned down to kiss him.
Time was nothing. Seconds were days, were years, were the breaths that caught between their mouths and the bite of Neil's fingernails against his palms, the scrape of teeth against his lower lip and the warm slide of a tongue against his. He could feel Andrew's heartbeat thrumming against his wrists, a staccato rhythm that echoed in Neil's veins. How a man who viewed the world with such studied disconnect could kiss like this, Neil didn't know, but he wasn't going to complain.
Neil had forgotten what it was like to be touched without malicious intent. He'd forgotten what body heat felt like. Everything about Andrew was hot, from the hands holding him down to the mouth steadily taking Neil apart. Neil finally understood why his mother thought this was so dangerous. This was distraction and indiscretion, avoidance and denial. It was letting his guard down, letting someone in, and taking comfort in something he shouldn't have and couldn't keep. Right now, Neil needed it too much to care.
It didn't—couldn't—last long, because Kevin was in the next room and Nicky was just two doors down, but Neil's mouth was numb and his thoughts buzzed to incoherency by the time a thump said Nicky had walked into the locked door. Neil fought back a flash of irritation as Andrew pushed himself up and away from Neil. Neil tried to call to Nicky to wait a moment, but he didn't have the breath to speak.
Andrew studied Neil's expression for a few seconds, then got to his feet and started for the door. Neil pushed himself up with unsteady hands and retreated to Kevin's desk with his ice cream. Getting the plastic safety seal off was the hardest thing he'd done all year, but at least it gave him an excuse to not look at Nicky. Nicky grumbled about being locked out of his own room as he came through the doorway, but by the time he made it to his beanbag chair he'd already forgotten it in favor of the movies he'd borrowed.
"Look, you guys get to vote this time," Nicky said, like he was doing them a huge favor. He rattled off titles and lead actors. Neil let the list go in one ear and out the other. He recognized most of the actors' names after living with the Foxes for so long, but he didn't know any of the movies. He didn't care right now, anyway, and it didn't take Nicky long to catch on. "Hello, Earth to Neil. You even listening to me?"
Neil looked at the half-moon marks he'd left on his palm. "You choose."
"You two are the least helpful people in the entire universe," Nicky complained, but it took him only a second to make up his mind. The case snapped opened and closed as he popped the DVD out. Neil listened to beans crunch as Nicky got comfortable in his chair. Neil didn't hear Andrew getting settled again, but he didn't trust himself enough to look and see where Andrew was. "Come on, Neil!"