Total pages in book: 80
Estimated words: 78007 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 390(@200wpm)___ 312(@250wpm)___ 260(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 78007 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 390(@200wpm)___ 312(@250wpm)___ 260(@300wpm)
My eyes widen, hope blooming in my chest. “Really?”
“What? You can’t tell? That boy is crazy about you!”
“I’m crazy about him. I’ve…never felt this way before. He just…makes everything okay…makes everything better.”
“Oh, Theo. That’s what love does. Life isn’t perfect. There are struggles and hard times, but love makes the weight feel lighter, gives you something to fight for. You’re right. It does make everything better—romantic love and your family.” She squeezes my hand again. My stupid eyes begin to sting, which is embarrassing as hell.
“I think the smoke is getting to me.” I use my free hand to rub my face.
“Come on. You’re not one of those guys who’s afraid of their feelings.”
No, no I’m really not. “Are you sure you don’t care?”
She wrinkles her nose. “No. You know what I care about? My children being happy. That’s it. Are you happy, Theo?”
I don’t have to stop and think. The answer falls from my tongue easily because it couldn’t be truer. “I’m happier with Perry than I’ve ever been. He knows more about me than anyone else, and he never makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me.”
“Why would you ever think something is wrong with you?”
I don’t…not really, but then sometimes I do. Being human is so nuanced and complex. Half the time it doesn’t even make sense, that we can feel so many things at once, but I do.
Mom is staring at me, her eyes so familiar and kind. I can’t believe I just came out to my mom. It was so easy. I’m lucky in that. It’s not like that for everyone, but for me it is because my parents love us unconditionally and always will. I know that, know it, but the thought of disappointing them is still hard.
“Theo?” Mom asks, concern making her voice wobble.
“I’m okay. I just…” Breathe, Theo. You can do this. You need to do this. “I just don’t think I’m very smart.” Ugh. Even the words I chose feel stupid.
“What! Theodore Bassett. Why would you say that?”
I push to my feet, unable to keep my shaky legs still. I pace in front of Mom, trying to figure out if I’m going to do this, if I can do this. Isn’t it like throwing all their hard work back in their faces? But I don’t think I can hold it in anymore either. “School is just…really hard for me. You know I struggled and was tested when I was younger, but it feels like it’s getting worse. I don’t know if it’s because school is just getting harder or if I’m getting dumber or what, but it’s a lot. I don’t understand things as well if I try to read them, but it’s better if someone reads them to me.”
Now that I’ve started, it’s like I can’t keep my mouth shut, can’t hold any of it in. “I feel like I’m shitty at business, but I don’t know what else I would do. I’m not good at much of anything. When I start thinking that way, I obsess about all the things you and Dad have sacrificed for us. The things you want for us, and I know you want them because they’re good for me and because you love me. I want to make you proud. Disappointing anyone, especially the two of you, makes me feel like the worst person in the world.”
“Impossible.” Mom stands, walks over to me, and grasps my chin so I can’t look away. “It would be impossible for you to disappoint us. You’re kind, have a huge heart, are funny, and care about others. You bring so much joy into our lives, into the world, and nothing about you would ever be a disappointment, least of all college.”
“But that’s all you’ve been telling us our whole lives—how you want a better life for us, want us to have a better future, that I’d be the first Bassett to graduate from college.”
“I’m sorry if that put pressure on you. That wasn’t our intention. We do want those things for you, but we also want you to chase the future you want. You’re a smart, capable man, and if college isn’t your thing, then you’ll find what is. When you told me about Perry, I said we only want you to be happy. That’s true in every situation.”
Just like that, years of weight begin to fall off my shoulders, my back, my chest. Until this moment, I didn’t realize how hard it had been to breathe.
“Oh, sweetheart. You try so hard to make everyone happy. Don’t ever forget the most important thing is to do that for yourself.”
I pull Mom into my arms, crushing her to me. We hug and cry, and while I still don’t have answers, don’t know what I’ll do, I know that somehow, it will be okay.