Total pages in book: 89
Estimated words: 87181 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 436(@200wpm)___ 349(@250wpm)___ 291(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 87181 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 436(@200wpm)___ 349(@250wpm)___ 291(@300wpm)
“Because of how they are with Mano?”
“He gets the healed version of our parents. I received the verbally abusive version. The drunks. The fighting. The missing for long periods parents. For my whole childhood, I raised myself. I remember being four, home alone, cooking Spam and eggs. I remember tucking myself in at seven and reading myself nighttime stories. I remember hiding in my closet for two days at one time to see how long it would take my parents to realize I was missing, and well…they never did. I was invisible to them.”
I frowned, feeling Kai’s hurt. “That had to be hard.”
“It was at first. Then I became numb to it all. I was fifteen when Mano was born. My parents were determined to figure it out. They became sober, they went into counseling, and then they raised my brother the way I’d always wished I would’ve been. Don’t get me wrong. I love my little brother. He’s the only thing that kept me going over these past few years, but back then, I hated him. I hated how Mano was loved. I hated how he had a photo album filled with images of his every move. I hated how in our living room, there was a wall that showed how tall he grew every year. So, when I got the chance at eighteen, I packed my bags and moved to Chicago.”
“Did your parents ever apologize to you? For how they treated you?”
“My mother tried to initially, but she’d always start crying. My father told me that the past is the past, and it wasn’t fair for me to blame them for not being able to do better for me.”
“That’s not fair of him.”
“That’s the problem with trauma. Those who inflict it aren’t the ones who have to do the unpacking to heal from it.”
I reached out and took his hand into mine. His whole body had been tense, but I watched his shoulders drop the second our hands locked. He relaxed completely. I wished I could do that for him for the rest of his life—ease the toughest parts of him.
“Anyway, I came to Chicago, met Penelope, and became obsessed with someone caring about me. She was a doting girlfriend. She made sure I ate every single day. She called and asked me how my day was each night. She sent me ‘just because’ messages. She told me I was important and talented and could do anything. After having a life where I was never told any of those things or taken care of, it overwhelmed my system. All I could do was love her so much and try to hold on so tight to said love that I think I suffocated her at the end of the day. I was too much, and she cheated on me because I didn’t love her the way love was supposed to be loved.”
“How is love supposed to be loved?”
“I don’t know. Quietly. Calmly. Not in a rush. I proposed after a year. We were only nineteen when we got engaged because I didn’t want to wait for another second to be her husband. She made me wait a few years to marry her, but I wanted to be a husband so badly. I thought that meant you made it. Caring for someone for as long as we both shall live felt like the ultimate goal in life. All I ever wanted to do was be cared for and to take care of those I loved.”
“And you did that.”
He smiled, but it was so sad.
It hurt me that people could smile while their eyes could so quietly frown.
“I don’t think you loved her too much,” I told him. “I think sometimes, someone doesn’t know how to accept the love that comes their way. And if that was the case, she should’ve left you. She shouldn’t have cheated and been unfaithful. Don’t hold the idea that your love was too much. It was simply given to the wrong person.”
He didn’t say anything, which told me he was still blaming himself.
I stopped the swaying of our swings and pulled mine closer to his so we faced one another. “Kai, I need you to understand something. It’s a lesson I, too, am trying to wrap my mind around, but my mom always says it to me. She says the one meant for you will never call you too much. They’d see your mess, and they will still call it beautiful. I’m not trying to speak badly about Penelope, but I need you to know that your love didn’t push her away. Her cowardliness did that.”
He nodded slowly, quietly absorbing my words.
Then, I told him the most important words. “You are worth loving, Kai. You are the most loyal, gentle, beautiful human I’ve ever met. I need you to know that you are lovable in every single way, and I hate every person who made you doubt that.”