Total pages in book: 92
Estimated words: 88673 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 443(@200wpm)___ 355(@250wpm)___ 296(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 88673 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 443(@200wpm)___ 355(@250wpm)___ 296(@300wpm)
We were hosed off every night in the tunnels, but I had been pulled out mid-day. He did that on purpose. To contrast my new life with the old one I gave up.
But I didn’t choose those tunnels either and this is when I realized how pointless it was to rebel. Because they would always find me. My father would always win. He’s the general of the Colonies. I’m his only son. His only child. And my mother has been dead for decades now, so I’m literally all he has outside of work.
He doesn’t even have a woman. Not a steady one, anyway. I’m sure he’s got his pick of the whores, but he never remarried.
So I was standing there in his office, covered in flaking, red mud, so, so, so ready to promise him just about anything in order to get my life back. So that’s what I did.
But it wasn’t an empty promise.
My father would see through one of those in heartbeat.
“It’s not my fault, Clover.” I don’t even know why I say it because she doesn’t care.
She doesn’t answer back, either. And she’s not asleep, I can tell by the way she’s breathing. The shivers are few and far between now, but she’s not relaxed enough to be asleep.
“It’s not your fault, either,” I say. “It’s just… the way it is.”
The silence that comes after this statement feels very permanent. So I’m just starting to drift off to sleep when she finally answers.
“It takes resolve to leave. I know that better than most, since I was born into the cult of Disciple, West Virginia. And I don’t mean it in a bad way. It’s not a bad town. Certainly better than most, I think. But I wanted to make my own way in this world and then I wanted to come back. On my terms. As someone who left. Like Collin and Amon. And Lowyn, to a point. Though she never left, not really. She still gave it all up and did her own thing.”
Clover turns now. All the way over so that we’re facing each other. I can’t make out much of her face since the moonlight isn’t really shining through the window anymore, but I can see enough of it to understand she’s… sad.
“It’s not your fault,” she says. “I don’t know what happened to you, but I guess it was bad. So fine. You’re doing this because you need it. But just because it’s not your fault doesn’t mean it’s not your decision.”
“I’m not gonna kill you. You’re not gonna die. It’s a few months, that’s it.”
She shrugs up one shoulder, not agreeing with me. “Yeah. What’s a few months of imprisonment in the grand scheme of things?”
She doesn’t say it with malice or even sarcasm, but she means it that way.
She thinks I’m weak.
And I’m just about to protest—not explain myself, because it’s none of her fucking business what I’m doing or why I’m doing it, but just deny it.
But as I open my mouth to do that, she nudges closer to me until her forehead is pressed against my chest. Then she lets out a sigh. “Don’t be mean. Please don’t be mean. I’ve had enough. I can’t take any more. If you’re not going to be nice, just say nothing.”
“Let you have the last word?” I say it a little bit jokingly, since that was our fight earlier. But she doesn’t seem to find it funny. So I sigh as well. “I’m literally trying to save your life. I’m not being mean.”
“You were about to be.”
I press my lips together and shake my head just a little bit. “You have no idea what you’re talking about, Clover. You just do not understand.”
“You’re wrong. I absolutely understand. It’s not even that complicated. You value… you. I am no one. And that’s fine because it’s true. I can live with this. All I’m asking is that you don’t make it harder than it already is.”
“By stating my opinion?” It comes out a little bit snide, but for good reason. “I’m looking out for you, ya know. I’m doing my best. Who the hell is looking out for me, Clover? Oh, that would be no one. You’re the one making this harder than it has to be, not me.”
“Good night, Riggs.”
“Right. Gotta have that last word. Good night, Clover.”
I stay awake for hours, despite being so exhausted I can’t even open my eyes. I just keep repeating her words over and over in my head. Just because it’s not your fault doesn’t mean it’s not your decision.
Fine. It was my decision. Is my decision.
Locking her up in a Lazuli Waystation is the only way I can think of to keep her alive. And there’s really nothing to complain about. She will be alone, sure. But she will safe, and warm, and fed, and hydrated. And it’s only three months. It would be one thing to be left in the bunker with no idea when you’d be allowed out, but going in with a release date should make it easier.