Total pages in book: 89
Estimated words: 86574 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 433(@200wpm)___ 346(@250wpm)___ 289(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 86574 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 433(@200wpm)___ 346(@250wpm)___ 289(@300wpm)
“Before I came back to New York, I decided to look Becca up on social media. I hadn’t seen her since leaving home ten years ago. My father convinced me it was important to get some closure there, since a lot of my guilt came from hurting her.”
A sudden wave of jealousy hit me. It was perhaps the strongest emotion I’d felt since this conversation started.
Did he rekindle something with Becca while he was away? “What happened?” I asked.
“Well, I found her profile online. We chatted for a bit and decided to meet for lunch.”
As angry as I was at Deacon for leaving, and as sad as I was to learn he’d lost a baby, nothing gripped me as powerfully as my jealousy over his reconnecting with someone he likely once loved.
“We met at this restaurant near her house. I told her we didn’t have to talk about the past if she didn’t want to, but she was open to it. And it wasn’t anything like I’d expected—and dreaded.”
“Did you love her?”
“I thought I did. But honestly, I’m not sure if it was love. I was so young. I didn’t know what I wanted. When we found out she was pregnant, we had planned to stay together because of the baby, but then everything fell apart.”
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I asked, “What did Becca say when you met with her?”
He blew out a long breath. “She said she was pretty devastated that first year, not only about losing the baby, but about losing me. But in the end, she came to the conclusion that everything happens for a reason. She saw a therapist—something I’ve never done but probably should. A year after the accident, Becca went back to school. A couple of years ago, she met her current fiancé. They live together in the next town over from my parents with their dog.”
I exhaled. “So she’s happy.”
“Yeah, and my takeaway is that all these years I’d believed she must hate me and blame me for everything. But that was a reflection of my feelings toward myself. I know now that lack of communication can lead to years of needless suffering. Maybe I wanted to suffer because I felt I deserved it, but I certainly didn’t have to. And I don’t want to repeat that mistake, though I’ve already caused you needless suffering, too. I know that.”
We sat in silence for a bit until he took my hand again and looked into my eyes.
“Leaving the way I did was a huge mistake. I’m not justifying it, only trying to explain what I was thinking at the time and let you know that I grew a lot while I was away. I don’t know where your head is, Carys, or whether you can ever learn to trust me again. But I need you to know that I see things more clearly now. I’m not going anywhere. Even if you choose not to give me another chance, I’m not leaving again. I’ll be here for you no matter what—if not as your lover, then as your friend.”
I sighed, feeling so many things all at once. “I don’t know what to say. I haven’t processed you coming back, let alone all of this. I’m not sure I can trust you not to leave again. That’s not something I want to go through a second time—or a third time, actually. I’d rather be alone.”
“I understand,” he said after a moment. “Can I ask you one favor?”
“Okay…”
“Will you let me bring you coffee again? No commitments. No promises. Just coffee a few times a week.”
It seemed like a simple thing, but it was letting him back into my life. Would I be better off not seeing him while I thought things through? He had just poured his heart out to me, though... And I did have a different perspective on why he left. In the end, the pained look in his eyes made it impossible to say no.
“Okay. Just coffee.”
His expression transformed. “Thank you. It’s more than just coffee to me. Thank you for not shutting me out, even though I probably deserve it.”
After we finished our drinks, Deacon and I left the café separately. I made the excuse that I needed to stop at the store so I could walk back to the apartment alone.
That night, sleep evaded me as a million thoughts floated through my mind, including an internal debate about trusting Deacon again, and images of a beautiful baby with his eyes who never came to be.
CHAPTER 29
Deacon
HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE?
You’ve heard the saying that life is not a sprint, it’s a marathon? Well, earning Carys’s trust back was more like a slow wade through an ocean. But it was worth it, even if not getting to reach out and touch her was downright painful. A month-and-a-half after I returned to New York, my relationship with Carys was slowly improving.