Total pages in book: 107
Estimated words: 97337 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 487(@200wpm)___ 389(@250wpm)___ 324(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 97337 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 487(@200wpm)___ 389(@250wpm)___ 324(@300wpm)
Of course she wasn’t there and the relief I felt I’m just going to leave alone. I told myself as my nerves settled that it wasn’t meant to be, that I was supposed to stay and teach the class. And by the time I made it back to my little Kia I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not.
I do know that all day after lunch I kept expecting something to happen. I thought for sure someone was going to see into my mind and read my thoughts, and expose me for what I am.
But how can I be blamed for this? None of this was my doing. I didn’t make myself have these odd feelings, didn’t set out to become attracted to a boy. Only he was no ordinary boy and now thinking of him had graduated to making me weak in the knees.
That night I told myself that nothing inappropriate had happened and there was no reason for me to feel like I was under a microscope. Or that people were looking in through the windows at me.
I was in a panic all evening and couldn’t even finish my home cooked dinner of pasta and vegetables. I was extremely jittery the darker it got outside and so was in no mood for the phone call from Robert that came just before bedtime.
“Hello?” The number hadn’t looked familiar but I’m in the habit of answering all my phone calls no matter what time of night it may be. “I really need to see you.” I’d know that voice anywhere.
Funny, the two times I’d gone out with him I didn’t recall feeling this crept out by just the sound of his voice. “Robert, it’s late. I told you this wasn’t a good idea. Please respect my wishes and stop calling me. Thanks!”
I hung up the phone but somehow I didn’t think that that was the last I’d hear from him. I got up from the bed and walked around the little house checking the windows and doors. I’m not that green that I don’t recognize the signs.
One of the things you learn when you’re as little as I am is that you better learn how to protect yourself, and most of the time while you’re doing that, you’re gonna learn about all the reasons why you’d want to know how to.
So I saw the scary tendencies in Robert, the near obsession and his refusal to accept that I wasn’t interested. Even though I saw it, I was still hoping to avoid the mess of restraining orders and court dates just to get someone to stop dialing my number.
It wasn’t too bad at this point, there were no daily phone calls. Then again I wouldn’t know since my phone’s off most of the day. Either way I’m still trying to handle things without the added embarrassment of everyone knowing I’d been caught up in such a situation.
Because of that phone call and the persistent thoughts in my head, I hardly got any sleep and woke the next day feeling agitated and cross. But as putout as I felt, the reminder that I was going to see Drake later that evening seemed like a beacon of light in an otherwise dark world.
On my lunch break I tried to find some answers online but there’s no right way to search for answers to what was bothering me. And reading about others who’d been burned was of no help and only served to scare me even more than I already was.
And then somewhere in the middle of the school day after making myself crazy, I had an epiphany out of nowhere. I’m safe, the other person involved has no idea what’s going on inside my head, and so nothing would ever come of this.
No one else will ever know that I’d gone and done the unthinkable, so there will be no one to judge. I can enjoy this crush to my heart’s content and no one would be the wiser. All I have to do is keep my feelings locked away inside.
My spirits rose with the realization and I no longer had that hunted feeling in my gut. I told myself I will walk into that class without a care in the world and no one would be the wiser. What I do alone in my bed at night; who I take into my dreams with me is no one else’s business.
I kept that attitude pretty much for the rest of the day, so much so that I found myself wearing a secret little smile every once in a while and that fresh new feeling of excitement was never far from me all day.
As with everything else in life I was having my first love affair all by my lonesome. It might seem pitiful to some, but for me this feeling was huge and something I wanted to hold onto for a little while longer before it disappeared, as I’m sure it would.