Total pages in book: 128
Estimated words: 119011 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 595(@200wpm)___ 476(@250wpm)___ 397(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 119011 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 595(@200wpm)___ 476(@250wpm)___ 397(@300wpm)
“My great granddad died at a hundred and four. He was literally doing a crossword on his deathbed. Everyone grows old one day.” Leo licked his lips, and Zolt stole a glance at that handsome face, indulging in the warmth of Leo’s blanket. “When I was fourteen, I had a crush on this slightly older boy. He was so cool. He did motocross, and his parents had a summer house at Lake Washoe, and he just… he made my heart jump. I wasn’t allowed my own bike yet, so we went everywhere together, and I didn’t even care that my brothers laughed that I rode in the bitch seat. I just… liked everything about him. And then one evening, he was staying over, and he kissed me. I knew I should have been disgusted, but I wasn’t. We didn’t do much more than that and just made out like crazy. He invited me to spend the summer with his family at the lake. There was nothing else I wanted more than that.”
Zolt stared at Leo while his heartbeat transformed into a dull thud at those revelations. Was Leo really telling him something so deeply personal? An embarrassing detail from his past? A stumble off the straight and narrow? But he said nothing and listened.
“A few days before this whole trip, my dad caught us kissing. We lost our heads, made out in the garage like two idiots. You’d think he would beat me up or something, but he was nothing like that. My embarrassment was bad enough. He did give me a stern talking to, though. He asked me if I liked girls at all, and since I do, he told me how I would have a great life if I only focused on that. How I’d have kids, and how I’d join the club when I grew up. That one day, I’d find a girl I loved as much as he loved mom, and things would become clear for me.”
Leo snorted. “He still didn’t let me go to the lake with Randy, but he said that if I still felt so strongly about him after the summer, we’d talk about it again. But Randy’s family moved to Sacramento before the next school year even started, and that was that. A hint from higher up, you know? No boy after him made me feel that way, I focused on girls, and I figured that if I only stuck to the right course, I could have the kind of life Dad told me I would. A loving wife and two kids, a life where everything had its place.”
Zolt was so shocked by Leo’s admission he didn’t know how to respond at first. It didn’t anger him that Leo was bisexual, even if he identified as straight, because most of the guys he pursued were like that, but the fact that Leo had had a crush on someone before him was annoying, like a little rock in his shoe, and he couldn’t get it out. He shouldn’t have been surprised by any of this, maybe with the exception of Hank Heller’s reaction to his son kissing another man. “Your dad must really love you,” he said softly.
Leo chuckled. “Yeah, I think he was much stricter with Mike and Jack. I’ve got this brother in Reno, he’s two years older, and he’s got a blood disorder. I think the whole health issue really spooked Dad and he changed his attitude a bit by the time I came along. I want a family the way he has one, but no matter what I do, it’s just not happening for me. You can’t force love. And now even my sister, a lesbian, wants to have a baby with her wife, while I’m left behind.” Leo shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair. “She wants me to be the sperm donor. Which is flattering. Fantastic even, and I’d do that for her, but I don’t want to pretend I’m an uncle to my own kid. I want to be a father, and I don’t even have my own children yet.”
Zolt’s guts twisted with anger, and for once he did have something productive to say. “Then don’t do it. Your sister knows you want children, and that you’d be around for the kid. It’s a messed-up thing to ask of you.”
Leo’s arm brushed against Zolt’s as he turned toward him under the blanket-cape. “It’s hard for me to say no to my sister. We’ve always been there for each other.”
“So she should know better than to come up with something like that. You should just tell her what you think.” Zolt swallowed and reached out to squeeze Leo’s arm, desperate to hear more, to be a part of a world that provided a safe space, with people he could trust, so he didn’t have to watch his back all the time.