Total pages in book: 128
Estimated words: 119011 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 595(@200wpm)___ 476(@250wpm)___ 397(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 119011 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 595(@200wpm)___ 476(@250wpm)___ 397(@300wpm)
Leo’s eyes met Zolt’s, teeth pulling at his bottom lip. “Don’t say it if you don’t mean it,” he whispered, standing still as if he were afraid abrupt movements might shatter this moment.
Zolt took a deep breath, frantic as if he were on the verge of a panic attack, but when he scooped Leo into his arms, the tension melted away and left behind only warmth. “This was the shittiest fucking day. I knew you’d hate me forever, and I didn’t know what to do with myself.”
Leo’s arms wrapped around him, his touch gentle, cautious of Zolt’s bruises. The warm water dripping down his skin both soothed him and transported him to the first time he’d held Leo in this stall, when Leo had been drunk and too confused about his own wants and needs to give himself permission to experiment.
Leo was still, pondering Zolt’s words in silence before leaning in to press a pillow-soft kiss to his cheek. “What made you change your mind? I can’t get my hands off you. You called, and it was as if I’d forgotten what a shit you’d been to me.”
Zolt was a bastard. Leo had offered him a rare gift, but Zolt had taken his gentle nature for granted and stomped over it. “I know I don’t deserve you. But I want you anyway. I just… I couldn’t be happy without you,” he said, remembering the miserable afternoon, and how none of the new catches on Grindr had managed to hold his attention. He hadn’t realized why until Leo came to his rescue, so ready to take him back. It all made sense now, and he was ashamed of his inability to assess his own desires without having reality spit into his face.
Leo pulled away to meet Zolt’s eyes as he washed the blood off his cheek. “So what happens now? Why do you hate the idea of being with me so much if you clearly want to?”
Zolt chewed on his lip. He longed for the pleasant dizziness of heavy intoxication, because it would have made this conversation so much easier, but he was stuck sobering up all too quickly.
“I’m… I don’t easily trust people,” he said and tried to hang his head, but Leo kept it up with both hands. The intensity of his gaze was like a shackle, and Zolt could no longer slide out of its grasp, so he kept speaking. “People always disappoint me. Everyone. My family. My friends. Everyone close to me.”
“Maybe because you don’t really give them a chance to prove themselves?”
The accusation pierced through the most painful of Zolt’s memories, and its acid was already burning through his heart. “I did. I gave him all the chances. I even pretended I didn’t care that he had all those girlfriends, and he still pushed me away!”
Leo’s eyes went wider and he steadied Zolt when he slipped. “What? Who?”
It took all of Zolt’s self-control to keep his features neutral, but he looked away as shame burned through his bones. “The guy from high school. You know which one.”
“Oh. Zolt. I’m so sorry,” Leo hugged him gently. “I didn’t know it was so serious.”
Zolt inhaled through his narrowed windpipe. “Yeah… well, I didn’t want you to know it was. I was such a pathetic loser, on his beck and call, never asking for anything and taking every single nice gesture as a sign that maybe something might change and he might someday l-love me back. Of course that didn’t happen.” Zolt said, closing his eyes when his vision blurred too much.
Leo held him, like a human pillow existing only to give him comfort. He stroked Zolt’s back, and when Zolt gave up trying to hold back his emotions, Leo was the strong shoulder to lean on. Zolt was still ashamed of the whole thing, of the way he’d just let someone else walk over his pride and feelings, but with Leo he could be sincere at least, because this man would understand. He wouldn’t poke fun at Zolt drunkenly shedding tears over something as hot as illicit sex with a straight football player. Yes, it had been hot, but also heartbreaking.
“I don’t know if he’s bi, or if his girlfriend didn’t want to put out, or if he’s actually gay, but when he refused to help me after I ran away from home, it just… it hurt more than my family rejecting me. I really thought he was my friend, at the very least. But I was just a sexual experiment for him, and I didn’t want to make myself so vulnerable ever again.”
“So you decided to keep pursuing straight guys?” Leo shook his head. “Why would you do that?”
Zolt hadn’t given much thought to his fetish. He liked the chase, the excitement and anticipation of not knowing if the guy would succumb to his charms, but what really mattered was that those men never stayed. It made everything easier. The excitement of flirting with added danger, hot sex, the illicit nature of doing it all in hiding, moving on to someone else without consequence. Rinse and repeat.