Total pages in book: 129
Estimated words: 129110 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 646(@200wpm)___ 516(@250wpm)___ 430(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 129110 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 646(@200wpm)___ 516(@250wpm)___ 430(@300wpm)
When I arrive at the after party I head straight to the bathroom. Coincidentally I run into Asher on my way, literally.
He pins me against the wall, excited to see me, but catching me completely off guard.
I hate how Mona was right, he does get in a mood after an award show.
He kisses my forehead, then check, and I close my eyes as he continues. Nose. Corners of my mouth. Lips.
I let that happen, lean into it.
It's been so long.
Then I realize we're out in the open.
"Asher-" I pull back.
“I didn’t get a picture tonight with my girlfriend,” he breathes, fumbling for his phone. “Smile, baby,” he kisses my cheek as the flash goes off.
Meanwhile I'm panicking on his behalf. Despite what everyone thinks I don't want him to get into trouble, or ruin anything. Or do anything he's not ready to do.
“Asher, someone might see,” I push him away again.
“I don’t care,” he goes to kiss me again and I smell it.
He's drunk.
"How are you already-"
"Backstage was insane!" he sings. "Limo too. Where were you?"
"Really?" I feel my eyes sting, failing by the second to hold them back.
This isn’t the time or place but he wants to know where I was?
Something in me erupts.
"I would have loved to be with you. You know that," I hiss, growing angrier by the second. "You say how it has to be only nothing has to be the way you don’t want it to be."
“You're right, I’m sorry,” he stands closer and grabs my hand, hiding it behind his back.
Only I'm not having it.
"Here's the thing," I pull away. "I pretended to be happy with Travis for so long. I won't do that with you."
"You're not happy with me?" His face falls.
"I'm happy with you. I'm not happy with everyone else."
"This is what it means to date me." He sobers up real fast. "You know this!"
"No," I narrow my stare.
"You know, Mona warned me you-"
I let out a cold laugh.
"You can stop right there." I stand a little taller. "I don’t want you to change who you are, and if this is it then fine. This is your life, and if you’re okay with hiding and listening to what other people tell you then that’s your prerogative, but I'm done with it."
"So you want me to give up my entire career?"
"The two don't have to be mutually exclusive and that's not what I said. You once told me you listened to the wrong people. Well you're doing it again now."
"My people guide me. They're not wrong people!"
"Yeah well neither am I!"
"I never said you were!"
"You’re a sham, Asher!"
"This is so like you - run when it gets difficult. When it's not you're little-" He stops and shakes his head. "I told you this was going to be difficult. I thought you could handle it."
"Yeah but you never said I had to live a lie."
"That's business, Elle. It's how things sell."
"Is that what you need? Things to sell? Because look around you. Is your life not good enough that you need more? How greedy and tone-deaf can you be? Can fans not buy your music because they like what you’re putting out there? And do you even want these people who think you're so cool for having no respect for women to be your fans?"
He starts shaking his head, building his rebuttal, as the lightbulb goes off in mine.
"Oh!" I realize. "You're the one who's scared. You have to mix art with sex in order to make sure it's good enough. And you don't want to be in a real relationship because despite what you may tell yourself you can't handle being tied down. You crave normalcy but fear being irrelevant. Average. You want the best of all words like the egotistical prick you're portrayed as."
"There it is," he throws up his hands. "They warned me too," he shakes his head. "They said you’d get like this. Yet I defended you! I never pegged you to want to go public - for putting your life out there but you want it just as badly as-"
"If you think that's what I care about then you don’t know me - not even a little bit."
"Then what is this about because you're confusing the fuck out of me!"
"It’s about sharing our joys and being together, Asher. Which we no longer are. Have a great … whatever you call this."
"El-," He reaches out to stop me but I don't let him.
"Hiding is too much work for something that’s supposed to be easy."
He's about to say something but a roar of voices come from around the corner.
I wait.
He chooses to close his mouth.
I choose to walk away.
He doesn’t follow.
I'm done being the dirty little secret.
I get a cab back to the hotel, collect my things, and head for the airport.