Total pages in book: 86
Estimated words: 81040 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 405(@200wpm)___ 324(@250wpm)___ 270(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 81040 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 405(@200wpm)___ 324(@250wpm)___ 270(@300wpm)
He inhaled sharply. “Not yet,” he said through clenched teeth. “Don’t finish that sentence.”
The way just a few words could crush me when they came from this man. I nodded, feeling as if he’d just shaken me, reminding me that loving him was not part of the deal. But it was unfair that he thought he could control my heart when not even I could control it.
“Jesus, baby, stop looking at me like that.” His voice was strained. “Sit down. I was going to wait until we were home, but you need to see this.” Then, he let out a defeated sigh. “And after you see this, if you still want to finish that sentence …” He trailed off.
I walked over to the sofa and sat down on the closest end to me, keeping my eyes on Huck. The muscles in his neck flexed as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper. His eyes looked like they held a world of suffering in his gaze. I wanted to make it go away. Hold him and tell him I loved him. Tell him how loving him had changed me. How he’d given me something I hadn’t known I was missing.
Huck stepped over to me and held the paper out to me. “Read it.”
Confused, I reached for it and unfolded it slowly. Part of me wanted to understand what was wrong with him, and the other part wasn’t sure I could bear it if this was causing him such torment.
When I opened the folded paper, the first thing I realized was that it was a letter, but it was the second thing that knocked the wind out of my chest. This was Hayes’s writing. My eyes shot back up to him.
He pointed at the letter. “Read it.”
Huck,
Hey, big brother. I’m going to start this by apologizing. For everything you’re going through, for my being weak, and for not being the brother you deserved. I was never like you, but I wanted to be. I wanted your strength, fearlessness, loyalty. When I looked at you, I saw Dad, and I loved you and hated you for it. I wanted to see Dad when I looked in the mirror, but that was never going to happen. I wasn’t like Dad. That was all you.
Maybe if I’d chosen your life, left home, and become a part of the legacy our father had left behind, I’d have found acceptance. I could have been me. Not the version I pretended. Not the guy everyone thought I was. But again, I was weak. I wasn’t fearless. I wasn’t you. I had demons no one could ever see.
Understand that choosing to take my life wasn’t an easy one.
Horror gripped me, and my eyes shot up to lock with Huck’s. My vision blurred as I looked at him. Emotion clogged my throat. Had I just read that wrong?
“What?” I whispered.
Something wasn’t right. Hayes had died of a brain aneurysm. Not suicide. Hayes wouldn’t have done that.
“Finish,” he replied softly.
I could see the agony in his expression. This was real. I placed a hand on my chest as the pain seared through me.
It was a selfish one. I didn’t want to face the truth. I’d chosen to be a minister because it had seemed safe. Surely, if I served God and taught the scripture, he’d fix me. Right?
Wrong.
It hadn’t worked. No amount of reading the scripture, praying, serving the church fixed me. I never changed. I pretended. I was so good at it, but every day, I died a little more inside.
I’m gay.
I’ve known it since I was about ten years old. Maybe earlier. At first, I thought it was because girls made me nervous, but the older I got, I knew that wasn’t the case at all. I dated girls, but even kissing them was difficult for me.
I met Mark my first year in college. With him, I could be myself. I might have been happy, but my need to please our grandparents kept me from being honest not only with myself, but with everyone else too. Because of my refusal to be who I was, I lost Mark. He gave me an ultimatum, and I didn’t choose him. I chose the church. The lies. The world I had built for myself. The facade.
Anyway, I struggled for a while alone, but then a woman walked into my life who needed saving too. She had her own set of demons. The first time I saw her in the congregation, she was detached. The brokenness in her gaze was one I recognized. I felt what she so openly let others see. Needing someone who didn’t have it all figured out. She was as lost as I was, so I befriended her. That would be another one of my sins.