Total pages in book: 48
Estimated words: 47287 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 236(@200wpm)___ 189(@250wpm)___ 158(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 47287 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 236(@200wpm)___ 189(@250wpm)___ 158(@300wpm)
"I probably will play with it and it will be in my face, but … I like it cuz it softens my jaw a little."
"Okay, problem solved, you’re welcome."
"Ha, you didn’t do anything."
"Psh, we both know the shoes were a gambit to talk about how you’re feeling about your date."
River rolled their eyes, but Mikal was right, damn them. They’d only met a month before, online, but although Mikal had been born and raised in Philadelphia and River in rural Wyoming, they’d become close quickly, bonding over a deep understanding of the difficulties of being nonbinary in an environment that didn’t recognize them as such at first glance.
"I’m super nervous," River admitted.
They’d already filled Mikal in on the circumstances. Mikal found the entire thing hilarious, from the taxidermy to the holiday craft fair to the ask-out-while-seriously-ill. "It’s like something from a fucked up, gay Hallmark movie!" they’d laughed.
"I don’t even know where we’re going—he only said dinner and …"
"You like to prepare for these things. I get it."
"Yeah, well. I get anxious that I’ll dress wrong, or order the wrong thing, or …"
"Well, dinner dates are kinda the worst when it comes to thinking there are right and wrong ways to act. They’re so, like, traditional."
"Yeah. And I … You know, I had that thing last fall and it threw me."
The thing in question was a relationship—if you could call a string of four dates, some bad sex, and an awkward mutual backing away a relationship. River chose not to.
"Sure, because that dude wasn’t trans competent and didn’t bother educating himself with even so much as a google search, so clearly he didn’t give a shit. Besides, he was an Aries. I can’t."
River chuckled.
"I don’t know that Cassidy is competent either," they admitted. "I mean, he didn’t misgender me, so that’s something."
"The barest of bare minimums, but better than nothing. What’s the worst-case scenario here?"
"That he’s also an Aries?"
Mikal grinned.
"Okay, I guess the worst-case scenario is like he freaks and murders me."
"You’re being infuriatingly literal today."
"You’re the one who said worst."
"Yeah, that’s what being literal means."
River chewed on their lower lip and looked out the window.
"Um. That he’ll like me. And I’ll really like him cuz I think he likes me. But it’ll turn out he likes who he thinks I am instead of the real me, and wants me to be …"
"A dude."
"Yeah. And it’s hard to explain to him or be sure of myself because sometimes that feels okay … well, close to okay."
"You deserve better than close to okay, River."
"Well, yeah, okay, when you put it like that," they grumbled.
Mikal got that look on their face that meant they were being serious now so you better not mess around.
"Do not go into this jawn ready to settle for someone else deciding who you are. That’s bullshit and a recipe for dissatisfaction. Believe me."
And River did believe them, because Mikal had told them the story of their ex-boyfriend whom they’d adored. Until they came out as non-binary, and their ex had said he supported Mikal, but didn’t change the way he treated them and when Mikal expressed dissatisfaction made it clear that he had not, in fact, been supportive so much as clueless.
"How can I know, though?" River asked. "Like, on the apps, I can be specific about things so it’s clear from the beginning. Who I am, what I’m into. But Cassidy and I …"
"You met the old-fashioned way, when he brought you the almost corpse of a cat."
"Ha. Yes."
"You know, there’s one crystal clear way you can know what his relationship to transness is."
"There is?" The knot in River’s stomach loosened a bit. Mikal always knew what to do. "What?"
"You ask him," they said gently.
River slumped, deflated.
"I know, I know, it violates the River Mills protocol. But it’s better than guess work."
"Ugh."
"Well, if you want, you can wait until you’re already super into him, still don’t know what he wants or expects from you, and then roll the dice on heartbreak."
"Oh, good, a better answer."
"Listen, if there were some surefire way to suss it out, I’d be the first to tell you. But you could have a whole dinner date, and if you don’t bring it up, you’ll be just as unsure as you are now."
"I don’t even know how to ask that!" River exclaimed. "It’s not like I want to be in the dark. Ugh, it’s so unfair. Cis straight people don’t have to do this shit."
"Yeah, but they have to be in cis straight relationships. That can be punishment enough," Mikal said, looking as if they smelled something unsavory. "Listen. Are you listening?"
"Oh my god, you’re so dramatic. Yes, I’m listening. How could I not be."
"Good. So. I’d like to introduce you to a radical concept—all credit to my therapist, shout out to Margot; I love you, girl. But not in a transference way. It blew my mind; may it blow yours."