Total pages in book: 102
Estimated words: 98487 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 492(@200wpm)___ 394(@250wpm)___ 328(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 98487 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 492(@200wpm)___ 394(@250wpm)___ 328(@300wpm)
“To you,” she reminds me. “All of us thought you were incredible, and we didn’t even know you were suffering.”
I lay my head on the pillow, nuzzling her neck. “I wanted to be more, and I couldn’t handle it.”
“And? Does your family love you less?”
I don’t answer, and I know she doesn’t need me to.
“Do your friends think less of you?”
Again, I don’t have to answer. We both know, though sometimes I forget.
“Evan, you are moving on. Look at you, an RA, a trainer for a gymnastics team, and you want to help wherever you can. How can you not see how much you are winning against your brain?”
“I just had a panic attack because I couldn’t go on to the ice to help with the hockey team,” I admit, and I look up, feeling like a fucking loser. “I’m not winning.”
“Untrue. That’s an obstacle, but you will win against it because you’ve won against everything else. How do you expect to be able to face something like that so soon when it was so traumatic to leave it? I mean, look around your room, a constant reminder of who you were, who you thought you needed to be. How do you expect to overcome all that when it’s all in your face like this?”
I hadn’t thought of it like that.
“Evan, your peace is so important. Protect it. Be honest. Tell people what you want, what you can handle, and what you need.”
I direct my gaze to hers. “I feel like a failure.”
She shakes her head. “You’re not,” she whispers, rubbing her thumb along my jaw. “You’re doing your absolute best, and it’s more than enough. I’m in awe of you, so proud of you because you chose you instead of what everyone expected you to do.”
I lean in, pressing my forehead to hers. She closes her eyes as I do, and we lie like that for a moment until she whispers, “I watched my sister fight for her life. The only time I wasn’t with her was when I was in the gym. We had no money because she couldn’t work, but thankfully, her best friend helped, and my gym let me train for free because I needed it. When I wouldn’t get a skill or I’d have a bad gym day, I would tear myself apart and hate myself. I told Aviva that one time, and she grabbed my face, hard, looked me in the eye, and told me something I’ll never forget. The only thing you can change is your mind-set. Can’t change the universe and how it is constantly trying to fuck you. But you can change how you view it, how you allow it to make you feel. You are in control of your mind-set.”
Emotion slams into me as her lips move ever so much closer to mine.
“I have held those words so close to my heart. And on the toughest of days, I remember them and try so hard to use them as a guide. I know it’s easier said than done, but I want you to know, for me, I’m amazed by you. Proud of you.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, holding her tighter to me. My heart is slamming into my ribs, and I feel her words everywhere. I know my dad—hell, even Mom and Owen—has said all the same things, but it seems different from Callie. She doesn’t have to love me like they do, yet she cares enough to say all these things, and I truly believe she’s being genuine about it. “I’m sorry you’ve been through hell.”
“I’m sorry you have, too.”
I open my eyes to find her smiling at me.
“The cool thing is, we don’t have to be in hell anymore. We are the authors of our stories. So pick up the pen and write how incredible you are. Stop listening to your anxiety. Easier said than done, I know, but try. And Evan, baby, write your future because I think it could be something pretty amazing.”
I know she just said so many beautiful and truthful things, but I’m hung up on one word—baby. It means something completely different coming from her lips, and I find myself overwhelmed by the pure tenderness in the word.
“And know that I’m cheering you on.”
I can’t stop my small smile as emotion floods me. “Thank you.”
“You don’t need to thank me, Evan. I mean every word I say.” She smiles, leaning in, waiting for my reaction before she goes in for the kiss. My eyes fall shut as our lips press together in an embrace that rattles me to my core. When she pulls back, she moves one of my stray pieces of hair to the side and smiles. “Are you feeling better?”
I nod. “I was the moment I saw you at my front door.”