Total pages in book: 109
Estimated words: 102282 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 511(@200wpm)___ 409(@250wpm)___ 341(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 102282 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 511(@200wpm)___ 409(@250wpm)___ 341(@300wpm)
“I had a situation of sorts myself, few years back. Bit of a surprise for me and my lady. But now that surprise is turning five next month, few days after our fifth anniversary. You were around when we added surprise number two earlier this year. It all works out.”
“Congrats.” Renzo’s throat felt like he’d swallowed super glue. Was it wrong to be jealous of Buddinger and his family? Whatever circumstances had caused their union, he’d seen the pictures. They were a rock-solid family unit, and Buddinger adored his elegant wife, who’d been a fashion model in Los Angeles before moving to San Diego with Buddinger. “It’s not that kind of situation. Just leaving someone behind.”
The “just” felt disloyal to Canaan because there was nothing at all simple about Renzo’s choice. Canaan hadn’t made it easy on him either. In a weird way Renzo admired and respected that. Canaan hadn’t given in, had stood his ground, tried to fight for them, showed Renzo that what he felt was deep and true. Which was all the more reason why Renzo had to let him go—this was the best person he’d ever known and he deserved the best future possible. Deserved everything Renzo couldn’t give him.
“You’d hardly be the first sailor to race from the chapel to the moving truck.” Buddinger clapped him on the shoulder. “But you also won’t be the first to be going with a broken heart. It happens, man, and it sucks, but you don’t want to be hasty with the rest of your life if you don’t have to. Maybe you’re dodging a bullet.”
“Yeah. Maybe.” Neither of Buddinger’s options were palatable—he wasn’t going to let Canaan rush into something he’d later regret, nor was he going to breathe a sigh of relief, not even years from now. Canaan wasn’t a bullet to be dodged. He was everything Renzo had ever wanted and never known he needed. Which left the leaving with a broken heart. Accurate. Inevitable. Awful.
“Well, I feel for you, man, but you need to focus. Being selected for training is a big deal. Need me to start again on reviewing these harnesses with you?”
“If you could.” Properly chastised, he doubled down on his efforts to pay attention for the remainder of the afternoon. But it was hard, and when they moved to reviewing the chutes the parachute packers had prepared, he was struck with a strange sense of loss. He’d wanted to take Canaan skydiving. Wanted to share that. And now it was just one of hundreds of moments they’d never get to have.
He could text him, invite him to go before Renzo left for training, but that wouldn’t be fair. Better Canaan focus on his band’s show this weekend, start moving on. Better Renzo get his head back in the game.
Later, back in his too-small room, he returned a call from his mom. She’d been overjoyed when he’d told her the news on Monday and he wasn’t surprised to hear from her again even thought it was only Wednesday.
“Glad I caught you. I’m sending you a care package for before you leave for training,” she said, super chipper when she answered the phone. “Some cookies and stuff. Feel free to share around the barracks.”
“Thanks, Ma. I’ll do that.”
“We’re thinking of driving down to see you second week in October after you’re settled. I doubt you’ll be deployed so quickly, right?”
“I wouldn’t think so, but you never know.” His bones hurt, thinking ahead to October. “Why don’t you make plans but don’t do anything nonrefundable, just in case?”
“Of course not. We know how unpredictable things are for our hero.”
A flash flood of anger swept through him, swift and unexpected. “Ma. Stop. I’m not a hero.”
“Of course, you are.” She sounded a little hurt, but she pressed on. “You’re serving your country, helping your family. You’re such a good guy.”
“That’s just it. I’m just a guy. Doing a job. This hero business you’re always heaping on me...that’s not me. I’m not some...action hero or something.”
“Oh, I know that. I just don’t know how else to tell you how very proud we are of you.”
“Sometimes...your pride hurts. What if I’d wanted to work in maintenance, like Dad? What if I didn’t put in for this transfer? What if—”
“Lorenzo. Stop.” She was stern now. “You’re my son, and I’d be proud of you no matter what. You’re a good boy, always thinking of us first, but even if you didn’t, I’d still love you. When you love someone, you love them. No matter what. No strings. I thought you knew that.”
He made a frustrated noise. No strings. She made it sound so easy. But it wasn’t. There were always strings and catches and trade-offs.
“I’m serious. What’s the matter? Is this about Canaan? I’m sorry if I wasn’t more supportive. It’s your life, and I’ll deal if he’s the one—”