Total pages in book: 111
Estimated words: 111038 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 555(@200wpm)___ 444(@250wpm)___ 370(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 111038 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 555(@200wpm)___ 444(@250wpm)___ 370(@300wpm)
I felt a jolt.
The world spun.
Direct hit.
The fu—no. I was the fuck.
He was right.
Dear God.
I couldn’t hurt Aspen. Ever.
He nodded, his shoulders lifting. “That got in. Good.” He blinked back tears. “Good.” He crawled out from under the table.
I stayed, because if I could’ve, I would’ve stayed under that table forever.
I heard him cross the room and tell my mother, “I got to him.”
Whatever that meant.
48
Aspen
My phone woke me, and it took me a second to realize the time.
It was four in the morning.
Shit.
Blaise calling.
He hadn’t called last evening, and we always did a video call. I looked forward to it every day, but he’d texted saying he’d call me later because something had happened.
My heart raced as I grabbed my phone and scooted up in bed. “Hello?”
“Hey.”
Oh God.
He didn’t sound good.
“What happened?”
He was silent a second.
“Blaise?”
His voice was strained, so strained. “I beat the shit out of Stephen today.”
“What?” I hadn’t heard that right.
I was about to laugh. What kind of joke was this?
But then he said it again, dull this time, as if he flipped a switch and turned himself off. He sounded like a robot.
“I beat the shit out of him.”
I’d heard right. This wasn’t a prank. “Are you—”
“I’m not going to bullshit you. I’m laying this out clearly. When you come here, I don’t think we should see each other.”
My mouth fell open.
I felt as if he had beat the shit out of me, a complete sucker punch to my throat.
I couldn’t—what?!
He continued, as if this was a business call, as if he was telling me my services were no longer needed. “I was having a flashback from Griffith, and Stephen touched my arm. I rounded on him until he was bleeding on the floor. Then I crawled under a fucking table and tried to hide.”
Now I heard emotion. I sagged with relief. He wasn’t totally gone.
My boy was still in there.
“I’m fucked up, Aspen. I—if I did that to him, I could do that to you. What if I’m in a flashback and you touch me? That can’t happen. If something happened to you—” He broke off for a moment. “I’d never get over that. Nothing can hurt you, especially me. We can’t—I gotta get myself together. I’m dangerous right now.”
“Oh.” My heart was still beating, but it was in someone else’s hands. His hands. “Blaise.”
“I miss you so much, so fucking much, but this shit in my head—I have to get it out of me. I can’t hurt you, ever.”
Damn him.
Damn him for making me love him even more.
“You’re going to therapy?” I asked.
“I’m going to, yeah. Mom and Stephen left earlier. I’m at the apartment, and I have practice in an hour. I’ve not slept all night. I knew what I needed to do, but it’s taken me all night to get the courage up to call you.”
“Babe.”
He laughed. “Guys don’t like being called that.”
“Shut up.”
He sighed. “I deserve that.”
I wasn’t going to cry.
I wasn’t.
I wasn’t…I was crying.
Dammit.
I tried to keep the tears out of my voice. “Are you breaking up with me?”
He fell silent for a minute. “I don’t want to.” Another beat. “But that’s selfish, isn’t it?” His voice sounded stronger, but still bleak, if that was possible. “To keep you tied to me when I can’t be around you? You’re coming to college, and I know you’re excited. That’s not fair to you. I’d be holding you back.”
Okay.
I heard him, and he’d made up his mind.
So okay.
I’d gone without him for a month.
I could handle another month, and that’s all I would give him—except he didn’t know that.
“You don’t see anyone else.”
“What?”
I was firm on this. “You don’t fuck anyone else. You see a therapist, and that’s it.”
“That’s it? What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about you breaking up with me to fix yourself. So I’m giving you parameters. You cannot fuck anyone else. Got that?”
He was quiet again, then, “Yeah. No problem.”
“You need to fuck, you call me.”
“What?”
I was on my knees now, and almost yelling. “Agree to that!”
“Fine. Yes. If I need to fuck, I’ll call you. But doesn’t that—”
“Agree to that!”
“Yes! I agree. If I want sex, I’ll call you. Of course I’ll call you. I’ll want to call you all the time. This—I don’t want to do this, but I can’t risk hurting you.”
“You go to soccer and you kick ass at soccer, and then you have therapy sessions. Every day.”
“Every day?!” His voice shrank to a whisper.
“Every day. You want to break up with me to get fixed? Then you fix yourself. Every single day. I am not fucking around with this. I want you. I love you. I am already aching for you, and then you wake me up and say this to me? If you’re breaking up with me for this, you do the work. Soccer and then therapy.” I barked orders into the phone like a drill sergeant. “Intensive therapy. Get it done, and then I will make everything right for you again. You got me?”