Total pages in book: 85
Estimated words: 77663 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 388(@200wpm)___ 311(@250wpm)___ 259(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 77663 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 388(@200wpm)___ 311(@250wpm)___ 259(@300wpm)
“Him? It’s a boy?” Dan all but jumped across the booth to hug her while his mother beamed from ear to ear.
I had that struggle again, separating betrayer from friend. I felt so alone, so lost, so hurt. But how can that be? My person was sitting right there, not two feet away. How could I feel so adrift and alone?
I think that was the first time I felt the first little tear in the only remaining corner of my heart that hadn’t been stomped on. This whole thing felt as if it were happening to someone else, and I was just a spectator looking on from the outside.
I didn’t even finish the can of soda since it had no taste and was stifling me with each sip I took. Outside, Dan said goodbye to her, the woman who was carrying his child. It was only when she stood to leave that I realized she was already showing.
I wanted to bolt, but my feet wouldn’t work. We walked back to the car after Dan saw her safely to hers. In the car on the way back, he and his mom spoke with excitement about the coming baby.
Dan talked about the nursery he was going to make for the baby for when he’s with us, or with him anyways. How was this gonna work? How was I supposed to be there with a child that, from the sounds of it, I wasn’t even allowed to hold?
That night, I went to bed with a headache. I was exhausted both mentally and physically. It was the first night since the revelation that we didn’t have sex.
The next few weeks were a blur. Dan came home excited each night with some new thing he’d found for his son. He’d started painting the nursery, which had once been my office but was now for the baby since it was closest to the master suite, other than the one guestroom on that floor.
I stood outside the door as he walked into the room to place the child-sized teddy bear he’d just brought home. As I stood there, I realized that I hadn’t felt anything in a while, not just in this situation but with everything. I don’t know when it started exactly, but I realized that I hadn’t had any real feelings in days.
Not hurt, not anger, not hate, none of it. I felt nothing. Even at work, the things that would usually frustrate me seemed to go right over my head. No wonder everyone kept asking if I was okay. And here I was, thinking that I was holding up so well.
I’ve been able to avoid my mother by using texts and claiming to be bogged down with work. I don’t remember the last time I ate, not since the night with the pizza. I walked away from the nursery door and headed for the en suite bathroom in the master bedroom.
According to the scale, I had lost ten pounds. That can’t be right, can it? I walked over to the mirror and looked at myself. Nothing seemed different except for the dullness in my eyes. My face did look a bit slimmer; I could see the definition in my cheekbones, but that was about it.
I stepped off the scale and went back downstairs to see about dinner, even that I did by rote. Spaghetti Bolognese, Dan’s favorite. I plated his dinner with a side of homemade garlic bread and a glass of wine. He talked while I cleaned up the kitchen. I don’t think he even realized that I hadn’t eaten. That was fine, though; I didn’t feel like arguing with him about my eating habits just then.
That night, I wasn’t as enthusiastic as I’d been lately, but I don’t think he noticed that either. I just laid there and let him do what he wanted until he was done. From the way he huffed after he pulled out and settled down on his pillow with a smile and a sigh, I knew he was pleased.
He talked about the nursery and his plans going forward, and I listened, each word another thousand-pound weight on my chest, right where my heart lives.
That night, at about midnight, his phone rang. I was half asleep but came fully awake when I realized who was on the phone. “That was Deidre, she has a craving. I’m gonna go grab her some ice cream; you go back to sleep.
I wanted to forbid him to go, I wanted to yell and scream. I wanted to do a lot of things, but in the end, I did nothing and said nothing. I watched through tear filled eyes as he got up and got dressed. He leaned over to kiss me goodbye before hurrying out the door.
That night was just the first in a long line of consecutive nights where Deidre called at all hours with some order or the other, and each time; Dan ran to do her bidding. I got into the new routine and didn’t make any waves.