Total pages in book: 215
Estimated words: 199344 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 997(@200wpm)___ 797(@250wpm)___ 664(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 199344 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 997(@200wpm)___ 797(@250wpm)___ 664(@300wpm)
Everything shatters within me, and I war with myself, wondering if I should go to him or leave him alone with his thoughts. Walking over to Dorris, the student office admin, I hand her the worksheet and explain what Ms. Lennon wants, expecting Noah’s head to whip up at the sound of my voice, but he doesn’t even flinch. It’s as though he’s so lost inside his own torment, he can’t escape.
Dorris shuffles off to make the copies, and I hesitate, but when it comes down to it, if Noah needs me, I’ll always be there.
Making my way toward him, my heart races, but I don’t stop until I’m stepping right into him, settling myself between his knees as my fingers brush through his hair. “Are you alr—”
I don’t even get to finish my question before his arms are around me, pulling me into him as he presses his head against my torso, taking deep, shaky breaths. I wrap my arm around the back of his head as the other hangs over his shoulder and down into the center of his back. My fingers roam over his back, giving him the time he needs to make the pain go away.
We stay there for minutes, or it could be hours, I don’t know. I hear Dorris calling for me, saying she’s got Ms. Lennon’s worksheets ready, but I don’t move. I can’t.
At some point Principal Daniels strides out of his office, and after a brief chat with Dorris and a lingering glance toward us, he takes the worksheets down to Ms. Lennon’s classroom himself.
My hand never stops moving across Noah’s back, needing this moment almost as much as he does. Then all too soon, his breathing evens out and he drops his hands to my hips before pulling back, putting just a little bit of space between us.
Noah lifts his gaze, meeting my stare, and the pain hidden beneath the surface almost drops me to my knees. I haven’t seen him like this since Linc’s funeral, since the moment right before I lost him.
Reaching out, I brush my fingers across the top of his brow and down the side of his face until I feel the roughness of his stubbled jaw. “Are you okay?” I whisper, not wanting Dorris to overhear our conversation.
Noah silently shakes his head, but as he gives me a small, broken smile, I take that as my cue to give him privacy. “Okay,” I tell him. “You know where to find me if, you know . . .”
He nods, and I go to walk away, but the second I take a step, he catches my hand and pulls me back. “Don’t,” he says with such heaviness in his tone. “Don’t go.”
I move toward the seat beside him, and as I turn to drop down onto it, he pulls me onto his lap instead. I immediately settle in, not willing to question it or tell him no, because honestly, there’s nowhere else I’d rather be. My arm loops around his neck as he holds me to him, one hand on my thigh, the other securely around my back.
He’s silent for a while, and I just sit here with him, waiting until he’s ready.
“I killed him, Zo,” he says, that darkness radiating out of his chest and consuming us both. “That day. I sent him away. He was walking down that road because of me.”
His pain and guilt feel like a fist closing around my chest and squeezing until I can’t breathe, but I simply wrap my arms tighter around him, hating that he’s harbored this type of agony for three long years.
Adjusting myself on his lap, I twist to face him, curling my hands around the back of his neck, my thumbs stretching around to rest against his strong jaw. “Linc’s death wasn’t your fault. You’re not responsible for what happened to him. He was hit by a drunk driver—that asshole who willingly got behind the wheel after impairing his senses. He is responsible for this, and he’s rotting in a cell just as he should be. He took Linc’s life, not you. It was his decision to drive after he’d been drinking, his bad call is what took Linc away from us.”
Something breaks in his eyes, and the guilt is almost too much to bear, but I’ll bear it for him if it means lessening the pain that suffocates him. “Zo,” he breathes, holding my stare. “I. Sent. Him. Away. I told him to fuck off and go home because I wanted to be with you. All he wanted was to toss a fucking ball in the park, and I sent him away.”
“Yes, you sent him away, told him to get lost, and you have every right to feel guilty for those things. You’re allowed to have regrets for how that day panned out and wish you could have done things differently, but what you’re not going to do is shoulder the blame for someone else’s actions,” I tell him, holding his gaze and waiting for those words to sink in before continuing. “Linc loved you so much. He thought the whole world shone out of your ass, and I can guarantee that the whole time he was making his way back home, he would have been muttering to himself about how much of an asshole you were and planning some ridiculous revenge prank. But you and I both know that he wouldn’t have blamed you, and I’m sure that if he could, he’d be haunting your ass and kicking you in the shin every time those intrusive thoughts plagued your mind.”