Total pages in book: 104
Estimated words: 97882 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 489(@200wpm)___ 392(@250wpm)___ 326(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 97882 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 489(@200wpm)___ 392(@250wpm)___ 326(@300wpm)
Holden’s thumb had stilled, and I could feel it, how ice was running in his veins just as it was in mine.
“I knew something was wrong. I knew…” Pain severed my chest, and I stopped, pressing a hand over my heart as if I could stop it. “She wasn’t acting right. I knew what it looked like when someone was rolling, and that wasn’t what was happening. And then the guys, they tried to… they…”
A sob ripped from my throat, and Holden pulled me into him — not just a hug, but fully into his lap, his massive arms wrapping me up as if he could shield me from the nightmare I relived every second of every day.
“They knew what they’d done. She was out of it, and they were taking off her clothes. She was barely even awake.” I sobbed. “I stopped them. I kicked and clawed until they were calling me a crazy bitch. They left us alone. But she was already… it was too late… I drove as fast as I could to the hospital, but I knew. I already knew before I got there that she was gone.”
“Shhh,” Holden said, rocking me, squeezing me tight.
“I killed her,” I choked. “I killed her, Holden, and I wish it was me who’d died, instead.”
He held me tighter, and I sobbed, emotion I thought I’d buried long ago exploding out of me like I was an erupting volcano. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t calm down, couldn’t do anything but fall completely apart.
It struck me that it was because, for the first time, I felt safe to do so.
“Every year on her birthday, I fall apart. But I’ve been so good this last year,” I said pathetically. “I thought maybe this time…”
I sniffed, shaking my head.
“I tried not to. I tried to just stay home, to ride it out, to not drink… but I… I just…” I licked my lips, tasting the tears there. “I just wanted the pain to go away. I wanted to feel numb. I wanted to feel nothing at all.”
He nodded, like he knew already, like he understood.
And he should have.
He’d lost his sister, too. Not just his sister, but his parents. He’d lost everything.
The fact that he could still go on living life made me feel even more like a monster, a failure, a coward.
My fists twisted in his shirt, clutching him to me as I cried and cried. But after a while, I found my breath again, and Holden pulled back, tilting my chin up to look at him.
“It’s not your fault.”
“It is,” I argued, sniffing back more tears. “Even my mom knows it. You know, she hasn’t said more than a few words to me since it happened?” I shook my head. “She blames me, even if she won’t say it. And she thinks I’m next. She saw me going off the rails when Abby died and it was almost like… it was almost like she expected it, like she wanted it.”
“That’s not true.”
I shook my head, unconvinced. “And Dad,” I added, chest squeezing with pain. “When he looks at me? I don’t see love, or pride, or understanding. All I see is disappointment.” I hiccupped. “He wishes it was Abby who lived instead of me.”
“Your dad loves you,” Holden argued. “He loves you so much that it terrifies him. Why do you think he threatens all of us within an inch of our life for so much as looking at you?”
“Because he’s worried I’ll end up knocked up or in a viral gang-bang video online.”
Holden grabbed my face. “Because he cares about you, and it worries him sick to think about anything bad ever happening to you — even something as small as getting your heart broken by a stupid jock.”
I knew he was trying to lighten the mood, to make me smile, but I couldn’t. It was impossible. The only thing I could do was spiral.
“It’s not your fault that Abby is gone,” he said, forcing me to look at him. “Do you hear me? It’s not your fault. And the fact that you care so deeply for her that you help her live on through your own life proves that you’re not this evil monster you think you are.”
I shook my head, over and over.
“You are a great sister, and a great daughter, and a great person. Have you made some mistakes? Maybe. But we all do.” His eyes searched mine. “What matters is that you’re still here, and you’re trying. You are working on it.” He swallowed. “That’s all we can do.”
Something of a laugh came out of my nose, and I looked down, away from him, wanting so desperately to believe him even while everything inside of me pushed that sentiment away.
“Well, it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. Want to know why?” I looked him right in the eye. “Because in the end, we all die. And to be honest, I can’t wait for my time to come. I can’t wait to be free.”