Total pages in book: 79
Estimated words: 75663 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 378(@200wpm)___ 303(@250wpm)___ 252(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 75663 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 378(@200wpm)___ 303(@250wpm)___ 252(@300wpm)
“You guys hung out together a lot,” Jayden said. I was sitting on the steps instead of one of the chairs, not letting myself look at them.
“Yes and no,” Dad answered. “Isaac and Lane have always been very different. In school they didn’t participate in the same activities and didn’t have the same friends, but they’ve always been close. When they were home, they were inseparable, Isaac always upstairs with Lane while he painted.”
I picked at the paint on the railing, wishing I could tune them out.
“They were like brothers from the start,” Helena added. “Like it was always meant to be. I’d hoped for another child after Lane, but my body disagreed, and then Timothy and Isaac came into our lives and…it was like fate. Not that I’m glad Isaac lost his biological mom or Lane his dad, but…we fit from the start. Isaac is my son in every way possible, just like Lane is for Timothy, and just as they are as brothers.”
My spine stiffened. Everyone was quiet for a moment, no sound but crickets in the distance. The thing was, Helena was right. We were the perfect family. We’d fallen into place together like it was meant to be. That was what I needed to focus on. “Lane scored in the brother department. That’s all I’m saying,” I forced out, and everyone laughed.
“I think you have it mixed up. You’re the lucky one,” Lane countered.
I made myself joke with them, be the lighthearted, sarcastic Isaac I’d always been. I even tried to be nicer to the fuckface slimeball because they were my family and I loved them. I wasn’t going to tear us apart.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Lane
I couldn’t sleep. The feeling of not being comfortable in my skin had worsened since I’d been home, when I’d expected it to get better. Still, I didn’t want to go back to the city, not yet. I wasn’t ready, and a bigger part of me was starting to realize I didn’t want to go back with Jayden. It wasn’t just me that was off, it was us.
Coming home was supposed to fix it, to fix whatever was going wrong inside me, but it hadn’t, and it was time I faced that.
I could tell by the way Jayden was breathing that he wasn’t asleep either. He was curled up on his side, back to me, when typically he was all over me when he slept.
“You want to go upstairs and paint right now, don’t you?” he asked softly.
“Yes.”
“I thought it was me…that for whatever reason, you were trying to escape me, but that’s really just who you are, isn’t it? And I didn’t know.”
“Yeah, it’s who I am, but I think there’s more to it than that, and we both know it.”
Jayden sighed, rolled over. It was dark in the room, the only light coming from the moon shining through the window and the streetlamps below.
“I love you…you know that, don’t you?” Jayden asked, making a heaviness settle in my chest.
“I do.”
“But we’re not right for each other.”
I paused for a moment before agreeing, “No, I don’t think we are.”
“I slept with Salvador. It was only once, about six months ago. I wanted you to go out with me, and you wouldn’t. I was feeling…neglected. I could tell even back then that you were pulling away, and I was upset and hurt about it. I’m not trying to blame you or say it’s your fault. I’m just telling you what I did and how I felt. I’ve regretted it ever since. I hate myself for sinking so low, and things are even harder now because he’s a client and…made it very clear he wants to do it again. I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you.”
I waited for the jealousy to kick in. Waited to feel hurt or betrayed or even angry, but I just felt…lonely. Like maybe I would never find that person I clicked with, that everything felt right with.
“Do you hate me?” Jayden asked.
“No.” I really didn’t, which told me I should have ended this a long time ago.
“I wanted it to work. I’ve been trying so hard, and I thought…I thought maybe this week, going away and meeting your family, would bring us closer together, but it just showed me how far apart we really are.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, though I wasn’t sure what I was apologizing for. Maybe because no matter what he’d done, Salvador or not, we wouldn’t have lasted.
“I thought I’d be the one to tame Lane Ryan. You’re all the talk, ya know? The beautiful, incredibly talented painter everyone adores, who moves from long-term relationship to long-term relationship, yet no one can tie you down for good.”
He was right, and that thought made a deep melancholy settle in my bones. Was I too picky? I’d been with some really great people, people I liked, so why couldn’t I love them? It was like I couldn’t take that final step. Something inside had always held me back.