Total pages in book: 88
Estimated words: 83676 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 418(@200wpm)___ 335(@250wpm)___ 279(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 83676 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 418(@200wpm)___ 335(@250wpm)___ 279(@300wpm)
My heart stops in my chest. “Oh, Ciaran,” I murmur, squeezing his hand.
He smiles grimly as he nods. “Yup. I had assumed the tears were because she thought I’d be mad, but I assured her I wasn’t. Then as soon as we got to the river, I dropped down on one knee, asking her to be my wife. She said yes, and I thought we were good.” He laughs with absolutely no humor whatsoever. “It took a month for her to tell me the baby wasn’t mine.”
Pure rage burns inside me. “No way.”
“Yeah. It shattered me.” He looks down at our hands. “I was such an idiot. I didn’t even add up timing or anything. I just assumed it was mine.”
“As anyone would.”
“I told everyone she was pregnant, and I was so excited. I was going to be the dad I never had. I was going to love her the way my dad didn’t love my mom. I had all these plans.”
“I can only imagine,” I say, my heart pounding for him.
“I had been buying things, and I was looking at houses in Phoenix. I even bought her a new SUV for us to fill with kids. I was happy, I was excited, and then it all came crashing down.”
I blink, my soul aching for Ciaran.
“I’ve spent the better part of the last four years keeping myself locked down, not willing to give myself to anyone.”
“And then I came along,” I say, and he chuckles, nodding.
“Like a wrecking ball to my chest,” he admits, cupping my hand with his other one. “I don’t want to hurt you, Lou. But not being able to be near you or touch you or kiss you is something I’m not ready to accept yet.”
“No one is asking you to,” I tell him, but he doesn’t agree.
“My goal is the NHL,” he explains, his eyes holding mine. “I am currently playing for the local team, the Knoxville Bears, which is the AHL team. But I want to play for the Nashville Assassins, and they’re almost three hours away. I’ll have to leave you behind because asking you to go would mean leaving—”
“Why are you worrying about tomorrow’s problems?” I ask, cutting him off. “Why can’t we just live in the now?”
He presses his lips together. “Because I don’t want to hurt you.”
I understand what he is saying, and I get it. His eyes are set on the NHL, on leaving Knoxville for the big leagues, and I support it. I want that for him. Could we be setting ourselves up for failure when what we have might be doomed? Maybe. But does that mean we can’t try?
I don’t think so.
I won’t accept that.
“We’ve both been through some shit, and I can’t ignore a good thing when I feel it. Especially when I thought I’d never experience what you make me feel,” I admit, and his eyes darken as they hold mine. “I know it’s only been a short amount of time, but honestly, the alternative is walking away from each other. Is that really what you want?”
CHAPTER 23
Ciaran
Louisa’s question stuns me.
“I feel that’s obvious,” I answer without hesitation, though my stomach is doing flips and my heart is hammering against my ribs. I hate talking about what Mikayla did to me, how all that ended and the pain it caused me, but telling Louisa was easier than I thought. Her eyes are so inviting, so kind, and comforting. But it feels like more than that. I wanted to reassure Louisa it had nothing to do with her, that when I tried to end this and failed miserably, it was only due to me and my issues. “I don’t want to walk away at all, Lou. I want to continue seeing you—daily, if possible.”
Her lips quirk at one side as she cups my hand with hers. “Daily, huh?”
“Hourly?”
She snorts in the most adorable way as she continues to rub her thumb along the backs of my knuckles. It’s soothing, sweet, and I can’t get enough.
“The conversation we had on the phone wasn’t fair to you or me,” I confess. “I am truly sorry. I hope you believe that.”
“I do,” she says, and my heart feels as if it can start beating again. “I can understand how you’d want to push me away after all that. I’m sure it’s hard to trust someone.”
“Yeah, but this is different. I don’t know why, but I hope you know I didn’t intend on hurting you. And your body is a gift, Lou. Really.”
Her lips curve as she looks away. “I think I jump so quickly to worst-case because I have never allowed myself to be so exposed. I don’t usually get completely naked with a guy, not that you gave me much of a choice,” she accuses, her eyes bright and teasing, and I grin excitedly.