Total pages in book: 82
Estimated words: 79319 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 397(@200wpm)___ 317(@250wpm)___ 264(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 79319 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 397(@200wpm)___ 317(@250wpm)___ 264(@300wpm)
He nodded. “That’s great. And yes…I had a feeling.”
“Why didn’t you say anything? You and Mom both knew? That’s so…how? And how long have you been waiting for me to come out?”
Dad sighed and moved to sit beside me. “I wasn’t waiting. I knew you’d tell me when you were ready.”
I hung my head. “I’m sorry. I should have said something sooner, but…to be honest, I didn’t want you to know.”
“Why not?”
“Because I can’t be…out, and I can’t have what you have with Smitty.” I bit my bottom lip. “He’s not someone I can have at all.”
“Do you want to tell me about him?”
“It’s Trinsky.” I shot a sideways glance at my father. “And you knew that too.”
“Well, I had a suspicion. You spend a lot of time together for a couple of guys who despise each other.” Dad smiled. “I figured there was a chance you didn’t hate him after all.”
“Not even a little,” I replied in a barely audible tone. “It’s just kind of impossible.”
He laid his hand on my knee and squeezed gently. “Is it?”
“There’s no way it would work and I wouldn’t ask Mason to throw away his career for my sake.” I paused for a moment. “For the first time in my life, I feel trapped by hockey. I should be grateful. It should be enough to play the game I love and have a great career and a supportive family and good friends. I shouldn’t want more than this. I shouldn’t want…”
“Love?”
“Yeah. Maybe that’s not for me.”
“Of course it is,” Dad scoffed. “I know the stakes are different, but I wouldn’t give up if I were you.”
“I know you wouldn’t.” I squinted at the flat-screen for a beat and met his gaze. “Every time you’ve failed at something, you’ve figured out a way to fix the problem and make it so much better than how you left it. More perfect. I wish I was like you, but I’m…not that brave. Not really.”
“Are you kidding? You’re fearless, Jake. You always have been. Do not underestimate yourself.” Dad shook his head, his eyes widening with a flood of emotion. “My God…you say you wish you were like me, and all along, I’ve wished that I were more like you.”
My mouth fell open. “I…”
“It’s true. There’s no such thing as perfect, Jake,” he rasped. “Nothing is perfect, but good things are worth fighting for. Trust me, I know that lesson well. I used to think that if I worked hard, you wouldn’t have to, but that’s wrong. Your path is different. It’s filled with bright lights and adulation. It’s your name on jerseys and screaming fans in packed arenas. It’s stat sheets, practices, games, and travel. But you aren’t your sport, Jake. You’re so much more. You’re a man who’s worked hard and fought for a dream. A big dream. I’d call that brave.”
I sniffed and wiped my nose on my forearm like Nathan would. “Thanks.”
“Look, I understand that your situation is complicated and I wish that I could make it easier. I can’t. It’s part of your journey. Just…don’t stop dreaming now, Jake.”
I swallowed hard. “I won’t.”
Dad slung his an arm around my shoulders. “Good. Hey, if I haven’t told you lately, I’m proud of you and I love you.”
I flashed a watery smile his way. “Have I ever told you that I think I’m pretty lucky you’re my dad?”
He grinned, tugging me into an awkward side hug.
I felt buoyed and grateful, but the hole in the heart was an open wound that left me feeling unsteady.
Damn it, Trinsky.
This wasn’t supposed to end this way. I wasn’t supposed to want more and I wasn’t supposed to care that I couldn’t have it all.
So now what?
What could I possibly do? How could I make loss into gain when all I wanted was to crawl under a rock and wish time away? What was the dream supposed to look like without him?
It wasn’t like me to give up. I stubbornly wanted to believe there was a chance for us, but from where I sat, it seemed pretty fucking hopeless.
29
TRINSKY
Shades of reds and orange danced across the horizon on sweeping feathery clouds. I sat next to Eddie in the sand while our mom lounged in a chair a few feet away, scrolling on her cell.
“The sunset is pretty,” Eddie commented, shoveling sand into a bucket and patting it down.
I inclined my head. “Yeah, it is.”
“Do you think our castle will be here in the morning?”
“I dunno. We can put up a ‘Do not disturb’ sign. That might work.”
Eddie shook his head gravely. “P-people don’t read signs.”
I chuckled at that. “All signs or just important ones about sandcastles?”
“All signs. Too lazy.”
I ruffled his hair, much to his annoyance, but once again, Eddie was spot on. “You’re right. Laziness is an epidemic and—”