Total pages in book: 147
Estimated words: 137176 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 686(@200wpm)___ 549(@250wpm)___ 457(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 137176 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 686(@200wpm)___ 549(@250wpm)___ 457(@300wpm)
“Let them fall, JJ,” I said quietly. “I sure as fuck did.”
After all the chaos of figuring out my next move after getting JJ away from Tank’s had died down and I’d once again been sitting by his bedside, I’d been tormented by images of him throwing himself away in that alley like he was just more garbage that belonged in the dumpster. I’d finally broken down and wept for JJ… for the loss of the man he’d been and the pain he’d been experiencing from the moment that bullet had torn through his brain.
After the tears had all fallen, I’d steeled myself to follow through on my plan so JJ could put the past to rest once and for all. Even if he never remembered that night, I knew he was smart enough to discover that I wasn’t the one who’d shot him. He also deserved the opportunity to come to his own conclusions because he’d never had a choice in determining what had really happened to him and why.
I was banking my life on him being as good a cop as I believed he was because I’d meant what I’d said about admitting to all of the crimes I was accused of if he found something that he felt was proof of what I’d supposedly done. I’d finally come to the decision to turn myself in if JJ found me guilty because I knew I would never truly be free unless he believed me. I’d never outrun my feelings for him. I had no life left to live if JJ remained convinced that I’d done what everyone else was so certain of. Living with that knowledge every day for the rest of my life would be a thousand times worse than spending my remaining days behind bars.
“Tell me about Tank’s,” I murmured. “Tell me about last night and all the other nights. Tell me what drove you to… to let those men—”
“Use me?” JJ questioned. Whatever despair he’d been dealing with was gone, tucked away somewhere in his mind where he didn’t need to deal with it. He was angry.
Hard.
Unforgiving.
“Yes,” I responded as evenly as I could. I didn’t want to hear any of what he was going to tell me. The idea of any man, any person, hurting JJ in any way had already gouged a wound so deep inside of me that I knew it would never truly heal.
“You want all the details, Cass?” JJ asked as he straightened in his chair and took a sip from the coffee. His behavior answered my question. I was going to become one of those men. He was going to use me, albeit in a different way, to escape his true emotions. JJ was going to use every weapon in his arsenal to attempt to shock, disgust, and anger me so I would do what all those other men had done—use him and throw him away.
It wasn’t going to happen.
I didn’t answer him because anything I said was unimportant. The only way JJ would begin to recover from his own wounds was to start lancing them. It wouldn’t be something that could be tackled in a single conversation. I had no way of relating to what he’d gone through after the shooting, just like he’d never be able to understand what I’d experienced from the moment his body had crumpled to the wet asphalt and I’d literally felt his life’s blood draining out of him.
“Do you want to know how the guys fucked me? I mean, like the positions and stuff? Or if they were rough or not? Or did you want to know how many guys fucked me?” JJ asked coldly, his voice even. I was already losing him to wherever he went when he couldn’t deal with what was in front of him.
“Let’s see,” he continued mockingly as he pretended to think. “Well, when I no longer had to shit into a colostomy bag, I figured I’d show off my fresh and shiny asshole to anyone who wanted to see it.”
I kept my mouth shut because anything I said or asked would only feed into his rage.
“Took me a while to get my first come, first served ass out there, though, seeing as how I had to learn how to walk, talk, eat… well, let’s just say I was basically a tall, drooling, useless toddler because the bullet you put into my head took more than just my memory. You literally stole an entire year of my life, Cass. You took my dignity, my control—”
“Your trust,” I interjected since that was the crux of the issue. He’d told me himself that I’d taken away his ability to trust anyone.
“Why did you trust me, JJ?” I asked. “Yeah, you knew me for the three years before I left to join the Marines, and we saw each other a few times after that when I was on leave or between deployments, but why put so much trust in me? We were grown men by the time I was done with my last tour. You had your own life… you were a respected cop who was going to climb the ranks in no time. You had a loving and supportive father and brother, so it makes sense that you trusted them with your life. But why me? Why trust me with your life? That’s what you did, right? I mean, you had to because I could only destroy your trust if you’d given it to me.”