Total pages in book: 147
Estimated words: 137176 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 686(@200wpm)___ 549(@250wpm)___ 457(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 137176 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 686(@200wpm)___ 549(@250wpm)___ 457(@300wpm)
He’d been stronger than me that night because he’d put an end to things before they’d really begun. He’d wanted to tell his brother about his sexuality and our budding relationship first so that we wouldn’t have to hide anything from him or anyone else.
What I hadn’t known about that first kiss was that it had, indeed, been his first kiss. He’d told me about the couple of guys he’d been with while I’d been overseas, but he’d never said anything about not kissing either of them.
The kiss we’d shared that night had been sweet and tame compared to the ones from the day he’d confronted me for the first time after I’d been released from prison. It was his inexperience during the rough, punishing kisses we’d exchanged that made me finally begin to suspect that he’d never been kissed before.
Except by me on the night of our last official date before he’d been gunned down right in front of me.
My promise to keep my hands to myself had been blown to hell the second he’d admitted I had been the first one to ever kiss him. Even if he didn’t remember our true first kiss, my brain and my dick had decided his admission meant that he hadn’t allowed anyone else to kiss him.
Which meant he really was mine.
Even now as I happily showed him how to move his mouth against mine, I let myself believe that deep down, JJ remembered something about us. Something that proved to him that there had been an us before that terrible night.
After we’d kissed on the canyon road, JJ had wiped his mouth as if trying to wipe away the fact that the kiss had happened. As good as it had felt to have his mouth taking control of mine that day, that one swipe of his hand afterwards had made me want to forget that kiss had ever happened.
This kiss, though… this kiss was one I didn’t want him to forget.
Ever.
This kiss was one of many that we should have been able to share the night he’d gotten shot. We should have been able to talk at the diner less than a block away and make decisions about what we wanted to say to Sully and when. We should have been given the chance to explore each other in any and every way we wanted. Our choices had been taken from us and in a cruel twist of fate, I alone had been left with the heart-stealing memory of our first kiss while JJ only knew what it was like to kiss Cass, the murderer.
I knew what I was doing now wouldn’t change that.
Kissing him was a selfish need. Making him admit that there’d been no one else to taste him besides me had been downright cruel and there was no excuse on the planet for it other than me wanting something that I’d lost… that had been taken from me.
So yeah, I was a selfish prick for taking advantage of the situation and I’d regret it later, but now all I wanted was to pretend that it was the night we should have had. One of many nights.
I tried to remind myself to go slow, but JJ’s need was pushing mine higher and higher. It was only the sensation of damp skin against mine that had me putting on the brakes.
Hard.
“JJ,” I said with a shake of my head as I realized that the wetness my cheek had briefly rubbed up against were tears. “JJ, I didn’t mean those things I said. I’m so sorry—”
I was in the process of releasing his wrists as I spoke, but before I could let him go entirely, he linked his fingers with mine. “Don’t stop,” he whimpered. “Please, Cass, don’t stop.”
The need in his voice broke me. I knew he would hate me for anything that happened, but he already did, so it shouldn’t have mattered.
It did, though.
Because it was still a lie, and the JJ I’d known before the shooting wouldn’t have forgiven me for what I was doing now.
“JJ, I can’t,” I grated as I tried to get my lust under control. I wanted to do so much more then taste him. I wanted to touch, to tease. I wanted to know what his skin felt like when I wasn’t in a state of complete panic because I didn’t know how to help him with his physical pain.
The reminder of why we were even in my motel room was enough to force my fingers to unlink from his. It wasn’t until I put some space between our bodies that JJ snapped out of his lust-induced haze. His eyes were glittering with emotion and need, and his body was wound tight. He was trembling just as badly as me.
“I’m sorry,” I said with a shake of my head.