Total pages in book: 89
Estimated words: 84195 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 421(@200wpm)___ 337(@250wpm)___ 281(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 84195 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 421(@200wpm)___ 337(@250wpm)___ 281(@300wpm)
I couldn’t help smiling, though my gut still twisted uncomfortably. She wasn’t perfect, I knew that, but she was my mom, and she was better than Clark’s mother had made her sound. It was better to love too much and show it freely than to be closed off like her.
We were quiet for the rest of the drive to my apartment. I plastered on a fake grin as we got out of the car and went in.
He could definitely do better. And the mother, does she actually think Brock is enjoying her company? He’s clearly only tolerating her.
“I’m gonna go and change. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
Mom nodded. “Okay, sweetie.” She was looking at me strangely, her nose and eyes slightly wrinkled as if she was squinting to try and see deeper inside me. She was looking for answers, and I didn’t want her to find them.
I tugged my phone out of my pocket and closed the door to my bedroom. There was a text from Clark. I hadn’t wanted to check around Mom. I’m so fucking sorry.
The thing was, I knew Clark would be. I knew Clark didn’t think or feel any of the things his mom said, but that didn’t change anything. Not really. There would always be someone like his mom, and I would never be the kind of guy Clark was supposed to be with. My mom would never fit in at holiday parties or family get-togethers, like Dane’s sister did sometimes with Jesse’s family, or Seth’s mom with Jake’s.
I jumped when my phone rang. I’d been sitting there staring at it, and then Clark’s name was on the screen, and all I could think of was what his mom had said, how mine would have felt if she’d heard, and Mom talking to Brock, and her broken heart earlier, and Star not calling about the job. I couldn’t even get a new fucking job I wanted. It was all a storm in my head, one I fought to quiet as I picked up the phone and said, “You don’t have a reason to be sorry.”
I didn’t have a bathroom in my bedroom, but the closet was decent-sized. I slipped into that, not wanting my mom to hear.
“Yeah, I do. The things my mom said…”
“Weren’t your fault.” I shrugged as if he could see, tried to ignore the fact that I felt like I was about to throw up. “What are we doing here, Clark? We should have known from the start it was a bad idea for me and my mom to go there.” And the truth was, I had, but I’d gone because I’d wanted to be wrong. Because I’d wanted to spend time with him. I’d wanted to be that guy who could go to his boyfriend’s parents’ house with his mom and just be…normal. All that stupid, dumb shit that wasn’t us and that had hurt my mom how many times? Trying to chase after love, and oh God…did I love Clark?
I closed my eyes, rubbed the palm of my hand against one. Fuck. This wasn’t good.
“Why? It shouldn’t be a bad idea. You guys didn’t do anything wrong. My mom is…my mom, and I know that’s a bad excuse. I wanted you guys there.”
Because no matter what, Clark wanted that perfect sort of family life too. The one my mom and I would never fit into. He wanted the boyfriend he could bring home to his parents, and they’d both work good jobs, and get married, and have a stupid house on the bay with a beautiful view of the fireworks just like his parents had.
“That’s not me, though… Obviously, that’s not me. I didn’t even wear makeup tonight because—”
“You could have worn makeup. I wish you had. I didn’t ask you not to do that. Not to be yourself.”
No, he hadn’t, and he never would, but I’d done it. I’d tried to change myself, tried to tone down who I was so I could fit into his world. I’d tried to be who he deserved like my mom did for men, but that never worked, did it? She either slipped and they left her because she was too much, or they decided who she tried to be for them wasn’t good enough. Clark wouldn’t do that, I knew that, and yet that insistent voice in my head kept telling me he deserved better, and no matter what, I’d be the one who got hurt, just like my mom always was. Clark wasn’t like his parents, but he loved them. He wanted to make them proud, and he could never do that with me. And I sure as shit couldn’t deal with how his mom talked about mine. If Clark and I continued this, it would come between him and his parents, and they would always win.