Total pages in book: 93
Estimated words: 88207 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 441(@200wpm)___ 353(@250wpm)___ 294(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 88207 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 441(@200wpm)___ 353(@250wpm)___ 294(@300wpm)
When the fire needed more wood, I climbed off him and added some, moving the pieces around to keep it burning, and then sat across his legs again.
I wasn’t sure why I hadn’t told him about my apartment yet. Not that it was a secret, but for some reason, I wasn’t ready to share it. I wanted to save this for me. It felt like something I did for myself, and I wanted to savor that a little longer.
“My mom and I, we don’t talk about the fact that I’m gay. She knows, but we avoid the topic. I don’t wear makeup around her. I’m never completely myself around her,” I whispered softly. I wasn’t sure what made me say that just then. I guessed it had been on my mind. I’d been making all these changes in my life—the apartment, the car, getting information from the cosmetology school—but how could I really move forward if I didn’t jump that hurdle as well? I had to stop letting my mom run my life, and I had to start being who I was all the time, not only my being gay or wearing makeup, but working where I wanted or buying what I wanted.
“Oh shit. I’m sorry. I guess I kinda wondered, but I didn’t know for sure.”
“I don’t even know that she’d care, not in the way some people do. It’s something she would feel she had no control over, or in her mind, another reason she has to protect me. She thrives on finding ways to have control over her life. When my dad died, she lost it again, so she’s done everything she can to keep that power over me.”
Jake brushed his lips gently against my neck, behind my ear. “I’m sorry. I know that’s not easy for you. It can be hard sometimes, wanting to protect those you love. I can understand that part of it, but that doesn’t make it okay. People need their independence. That’s something I’m still working on myself.”
“No.” I shook my head, my nose against his, and he chuckled. “You don’t do that.”
“Maybe not in the same way, but I have my issues too. I’m not perfect, Seth. I’m a work in progress like everyone else.”
“Perfect for me,” I teased lightly, testing the waters. Because he did feel perfect for me, and while I knew he enjoyed dating me and being with me, I didn’t know if he felt as strongly for me as I did for him.
“Look at you, bein’ all sweet,” he joked.
“I’m very good at it.” I loved that I felt confident enough around him to be playful that way.
“What about your stepdad?”
“I mean, we’re not close at all. He’s even more hardcore than Mom, but if you mean her with him, I don’t think she loves him like she did my dad. I think he is safety to her because they’re so similar and she doesn’t risk her heart with him.” Which was sad when you thought about it. That was no way to live.
“How sad,” Jake’s words mirrored my thoughts.
“Yeah, I agree.” We were both silent for a moment, the air around us suddenly heavy. I didn’t want that for us, not tonight. “I have to pee.”
Jake laughed that husky, sexy laugh that burrowed its way deep in my chest. He patted my thigh. “Go pee. I’ll put out the fire and meet you inside.”
“Deal.” I jumped off his lap, then held my hand out, helping pull Jake to his feet.
He began messing with the fire as I went back into the house on shaky legs. The truth was, I’d hoped he would say that. I hoped for a lot of things tonight. I wanted…well, I wanted to give myself to Jake. I wanted to be with him, to know what it felt like to have him inside me. Even if he didn’t feel the same way about me as I did him, I wanted it to be Jake, wanted him to be my first.
I was nervous as I grabbed my bag and went into the bathroom. I really did need to pee, so I took care of that, then looked at myself in the mirror. “You can do this, Seth. You want to do this,” I whispered softly.
I tugged my clothes off, grabbed a washcloth, and washed up a bit just because I was… I wasn’t going to use the word anal, but I was a little obsessive like that.
My hand shook a little as I added eyeliner around my eyes; the makeup made me feel strong…like me, and I could always be myself with Jake.
I plucked underwear from my bag, stopped. He had seen me naked how many times? He was my boyfriend. There was no reason I couldn’t be bare in front of him, so I put them back, then grabbed the lube and a condom before heading for the bed.