Total pages in book: 185
Estimated words: 180510 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 903(@200wpm)___ 722(@250wpm)___ 602(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 180510 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 903(@200wpm)___ 722(@250wpm)___ 602(@300wpm)
“Doesn’t change anything.” Dad lifts a shoulder.
“I know. I just need you to know it. Even if you made me doubt it then, I know better now. I’m not my father.”
“Thank god for that. Everything turned out for the best. The past is the past.” Dad nods several times.
“Did you …” I can barely say the words because my brain’s struggling to put the pieces together. I take a step closer to my dad. “Did you know?”
My parents never knew, or so I thought. Colten’s mom promised to not say a word. And I respected Colten’s desire to have my dad’s respect since his dad was simply … a terrible husband and father. I thought it would all work its way out.
We would graduate.
We would be adults.
And we’d tell my parents that we were in love.
He blows a long breath out his nose. “I wasn’t stupid. Or blind. Or deaf. Did you really think you could sneak around behind my back without me knowing?”
My head eases side to side. “Why didn’t you say anything?” I ask, just above a whisper.
“I did. I said something to Colten.”
This shouldn’t hurt. It’s been too long. But it does. Seventeen years ago, Colten carved the most jagged hole into my heart. And all this time, I had no idea that my dad handed him the knife.
“How could you?” I turn around, facing Colten. “How could you?”
“Josie …” Anguish spreads across Colten’s face.
“You chose my dad over me? Is this some cruel joke?”
“I chose you,” he says.
My head shakes over and over again.
“Your future.”
“No,” I snap. “You chose your future, and it didn’t include me.”
“Jo, it was nearly twenty years ago,” Dad interrupts. “A childhood crush. Look at you now.”
Look at me now. I’m so tired of hearing that everyone around me saved me. Nobody saved me. I saved myself. They have no fucking clue … not a single one of them.
“You had a scholarship, Josie. I didn’t. And I didn’t have the money for college. I didn’t have a clue what I was going to do. And when you said you wanted to take a year or two to decide if medical school was what you wanted … I knew it was because of me.” Colten runs his hands through his hair, face still distorted with those lines of anguish and desperation.
“Well, aren’t you an arrogant asshole for assuming that. And a liar for not just saying that. You joined the fucking Marines just to get away from me. Were you willing to die for your country because of your heroic patriotism or because you so desperately wanted to please my dad and go someplace you knew I would never follow you?”
“Jo, it was infatuation. Lack of a better choice for both of you. Not love.”
I knew my dad always wanted me to be a boy, but I never noticed all the ways he subtly belittled me and my feelings. Starting with my name. And I let him because I wanted to be the apple of his eye. I wanted to prove that I was just as good as any son. And I was different, so fitting in, if only in my dad’s eyes, mattered to me.
“Not love …” I echo. Colten used those same words when he ended us.
There is nothing left to say to either man, so I brush past my dad and head into the house. Instead of taking a shower, which I need, I set my phone’s alarm, change into a nightshirt, and crawl into bed. I don’t want to risk seeing Colten or my parents again before I leave early in the morning.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Josie watched me self-destruct, and I knew she’d be part of the wreckage. Still I didn’t have the nerve, or maybe a true incentive, to stop it. Misery loved company. And I was miserable.
By our senior year, I’d found the one thing more toxic than misery and hate … spite.
Doing the opposite of my father’s wishes became my life’s mission, even if it was at my own demise. He told me not to drink or do drugs.
I got a fake ID, drank every weekend, and scored some pot from a kid named Tyler Vogt.
My dad told me baseball players didn’t need to bulk up. It might limit my swinging ability. I lived in the weight room.
Lived on protein.
Lived to disappoint him … to spite him.
I deserved the World’s Greatest Fuckup Award by the end of the year. I got my first DUI. Got suspended from playing baseball my senior year. Lost my chance for a scholarship. And nearly didn’t graduate after starting a fight with Andy Miller because he took Josie to the prom (I was suspended from that too) and told everyone she sucked his dick in the parking lot. Of course, I didn’t believe it was true, but it didn’t matter. Either way, I was going to beat the living shit out of him because Josie was mine.