Total pages in book: 163
Estimated words: 164828 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 824(@200wpm)___ 659(@250wpm)___ 549(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 164828 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 824(@200wpm)___ 659(@250wpm)___ 549(@300wpm)
Our breaths catch, and we stare at each other.
His body is deep inside mine.
I stare up at him as emotion overwhelms me.
“I love you,” I whisper.
“I love you, too,” he murmurs back, but there’s an emotion behind his words.
Something that I can’t put my finger on.
Regret? Anger? Is it sadness?
Is this goodbye?
He rises above me on straightened arms, and he spreads his knees on the mattress as he slowly begins to ride me. He closes his eyes, as if to block me out, his body unable to be slow and tender. He needs the release, not the intimacy.
I bring my legs up. Is he thinking about him?
Does he feel guilty for fucking me?
My eyes fill with tears, and when he sees them, something changes in his demeanour.
A feeling runs between us. Animosity.
He slams in hard, and I wince.
He’s angry, and I scrunch up my face as he gives it to me hard.
He’s angry that I’m making him do this… that he has to go through with the betrayal.
I scrunch my eyes shut as he fucks me. There’s no emotion. There’s no love.
He’s shut down—blocked me out. He’s thinking about someone else.
This is a seminal transfusion.
He slams me one, two, three times, and he holds himself deep.
“Come.” He winces, as if in pain.
I clench down hard, but there’s no chance of coming. This is breaking my fucking heart.
How could I possibly be aroused?
He hisses and holds himself deep. I feel the telling jerk of his cock from his orgasm.
He moves slowly as he completely empties himself, and I stare up at him through my tears.
It’s like I don’t even know him anymore.
He rolls off me and puts the back of his forearm over his face as he lies on his back.
That felt wrong to him too. He’s rattled.
What just happened? How could a love that was so beautiful become so cold?
So hurtful.
“I’ve got to go to work.” He gets out of bed in a rush.
I close my eyes, unable to even look at him. This cut gets deeper every day.
I don’t know how to save us.
* * *
I walk out into the courtyard at work. It’s now 10:50 a.m., and I know Nathan should be in between appointments. I dial his number.
“Hello,” he answers.
“Hi.” I can’t even hear his voice without tearing up. I’m an emotional fucking wreck here. “I just, um…” My voice trails off.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” I don’t even want to tell him, but I know I have to. “My period arrived.”
He doesn’t say anything, and I frown as I wait for his answer.
“Did you hear me?” I whisper.
Silence.
“Nathan?”
“Okay, thanks for letting me know,” he says, devoid of emotion.
I frown, what does that mean? Is he happy, sad?
“I’ve got to go,” he says.
“Okay.”
He hangs on the line, and I close my eyes. I can’t take this. I can’t stand losing my best friend. It’s like watching a car crash in slow motion. Nobody should have to bear this pain.
“I finish early today. I’ll pick you up from work,” he says.
I smile, hopeful that this is an olive branch. “Yes, alright.”
I go back to work, and my brain starts to tick over and over the last few days.
Robert. His coldness.
No baby.
If I just had my old apartment, I could give us both some breathing space—give Nathan some time to think. Give myself some time to try and regain some confidence. I don’t know who I am anymore, but I’ve never felt so insecure and weak. This isn’t who I am. This is unlike anything I’ve ever faced—unlike anything most women will ever face.
I don’t know how to compete with his past.
I can’t.
A woman can’t compete against a man. Not if it’s a man he truly wants.
No amount of love can change that, and there is so much love between us.
I exhale heavily, knowing we moved in too quick.
But then, neither of us could ever have imagined that this would happen.
That Robert would come back and open old wounds. Damn that fucking asshole for ruining everything.
At least now with no pregnancy, I have options, and so does he. Nathan isn’t tied to me.
His words, not mine. I was never tied to Nathan. I was there by choice.
I begin to wrack my brain for a solution—one where we can try and salvage the damage that has been done this week. I’m not even sure where the damage has come from, because Nathan is saying that he wants me… but he’s not acting like it.
He’s acting like a man who is confused. A man who needs time to work out what he wants in life. And I know that Nathan, and I said in the beginning that our friendship is the most important thing, but the goalposts have been moved again, and we both know that it’s all or nothing now.
We couldn’t be friends; not with feeling the way that we do about each other.