Total pages in book: 97
Estimated words: 92136 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 461(@200wpm)___ 369(@250wpm)___ 307(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 92136 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 461(@200wpm)___ 369(@250wpm)___ 307(@300wpm)
“Not bad at all.” She came over and sat next to us, reaching over to brush Paisley’s hair off her forehead. “Is your daddy taking good care of you?”
My stomach heaved. Daddy. Jesus fucking Christ. I cleared my throat. “I need to shop for her. Can you point me in the right direction?”
“Probably Target, or maybe Babies“R”Us.”
“There’s a place called Babies“R”Us?” I asked incredulously.
She giggled. “Yes. Do you want me to go with you?”
Of course I did. In fact, what I really wanted was to give her my credit card and have her do it all. “Only if you have time.”
“I have a wedding tonight, so I do have to work eventually, but I could help you out later this morning.” She sighed and fell back against my couch. “Although I definitely need a nap.”
“A nap sounds fucking amazing.” I set the empty bottle aside and sat Paisley up to burp her again.
“Do it while she takes hers. I’m telling you, that’s the only time you will be able to sleep.” She got to her feet. “I guess I’ll go home for a bit. Anything you need before I go?”
I couldn’t think of anything, although I was tempted to make something up so she would stay a little longer. What was I going to do with this baby all by myself? What if she started crying and I couldn’t get her to stop? “Not that I can think of.”
She must have sensed my fear, because she patted me on the shoulder. “You’ll be fine, Nate. You’re doing awesome, all things considered.”
I took a deep breath and exhaled. “Thanks. I think I’m still running on adrenaline.”
Emme nodded. “Are you going to tell anybody? Your family? Your work?”
The thought of telling my mother terrified me. This was a woman who was scared to leave the house and buy groceries because she worried about having a panic attack at Kroger. She wore gloves if she went absolutely anywhere, because the thought of touching germs terrified her. She had her doctor on speed dial because she was always convinced she had picked up some awful, incurable disease if she’d been out in public.
Thankfully, she had a longtime neighbor that often checked in on her, a good Samaritan who made sure there was food in the house, drove her anywhere she needed to go, and made the occasional phone call to me when things got bad. I would talk to my mom, assess the situation, and depending on her mental state, I sometimes had to make the nearly three-hour drive to Grand Rapids and get her out of the house. Usually, it was just that she had stopped taking her medication due to some irrational fear that someone at the pharmacy was trying to poison her. Once I could convince her that wasn’t the case, she would take it again and improve within days. I tried to be patient with her, reminding myself that she hadn’t always been this way, that once upon a time, she’d been a happy, well-adjusted woman with a beautiful home, a solid marriage, plenty of money in the bank, and two healthy sons. She must have thought it would all last forever. Hadn’t we all?
Paisley still hadn’t burped yet, so I stood and put her up on one shoulder. “I haven’t really thought that far ahead yet. My brain is a bit overwhelmed. I guess I’ll have to tell them all eventually, but for now, it’s just you.” I frowned. “Although if we see anyone while we’re out shopping today, we better have a good explanation handy for why you and I suddenly have a baby.”
She laughed. “We’ll think of something. See you in a bit.”
As soon she was gone, I realized I should’ve gone to the bathroom while she was here. Now what was I supposed to do? I couldn’t just set Paisley down. My apartment was full of hard surfaces and sharp objects, a parental nightmare. But I couldn’t bring her in the bathroom with me either. That didn’t seem right. In the end, I ended up strapping her into the car seat and leaving it in my closet right outside the bathroom door. But I felt guilty about it because she cried the whole time, even though I was in there for less than a minute. I opened the door as soon as my hands were clean and picked her up again. “I’m still here,” I told her. “See? I’m still here.”
She stopped crying, and I marveled at how quickly a baby could become attached to someone. How easily they trusted. Yesterday at this time, she had never seen me, never heard my voice, never even knew I existed. Now I had the power to calm her just by holding her and talking to her. It was sort of sweet, but also scary as hell. I wasn’t sure I deserved that kind of trust, and I certainly didn’t feel like I had earned it. But maybe I could make that up to her. For the first time, an overwhelming urge to protect her struck me, and I found myself furious at Rachel, not just for lying to me or springing this on me, but for abandoning our child. I was more aware every passing minute of what she must’ve been going through trying to parent on her own, but she should have reached out. There was no excuse for leaving Paisley alone the way she had.