Total pages in book: 90
Estimated words: 84533 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 423(@200wpm)___ 338(@250wpm)___ 282(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 84533 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 423(@200wpm)___ 338(@250wpm)___ 282(@300wpm)
I jerked awake, chest tight, heart stampeding, my mind flashing with images I didn’t want to see.
Mom bloody.
Chosen hurting her.
Chosen killing.
He’d told me only the day before that I had a choice. I should have chosen to get her out, should have seen that what he was doing was wrong. Instead, I’d been the reason she died.
I stumbled out of bed, head spinning, lungs hurting each time I took a breath. I fell several times as I staggered out of the room, through the house, needing fresh air, because inside was too stifling. I tumbled out the door, sprawled into the snow, my body freezing, skin feeling like it was falling off, stinging, teeth chattering.
Seconds passed. Minutes? Hours? Days? Couldn’t be. I would be dead, but then Cyrus was there, the one who taught me to smile again, something I hadn’t done since that day in the woods with my mom.
The mom I won’t share with him. Can’t. Because I caused her death.
“Crow? What are you doing? Oh my God. You’re naked in the middle of a snowstorm!”
A blanket wrapped around me, and I immediately shook him off. He stumbled, teeth rattling together as I snarled at him.
“Crow…baby, please. Come inside. I need you to come inside.”
The word baby broke through the fog in my head. Cyrus was outside. He was freezing. He hardly had any clothes on. Cyrus, who would get sick if I didn’t get him inside. Cyrus, who loved me.
I had caused one death already. I couldn’t survive losing him.
I tugged him close, my body already struggling to move, like my insides were nothing but icicles, and we toppled into the house together, Cyrus kicking the door closed.
“I…heard…you…the door…I looked…out…window…threw…clothes on…” He tried to speak through the shivers racking his body. Good. So I hadn’t been out there long. “Baby…”
I pulled him to me, wrapped him in my arms, savored the warmth of him, the feeling of Cyrus, my sun, warming my insides, even if I didn’t deserve it.
“Warm,” I managed to say. It was the only word I could set free, though so many more banged against the door of my mind, trying to dive out.
We staggered into the kitchen. I turned on the faucets, getting the water hot and filling two cups, which we drank. Then I pulled Cyrus into the bathroom, the heat already doing its job, starting to warm us as I turned on the tub to fill it.
I held him again, the two of us trembling against each other.
I’m sorry I can’t share her with you.
Sorry I’m not right.
That you’re cold because of me, when it’s my job to take care of you. To protect you.
I love you.
I ripped Cyrus out of his clothes, and then we climbed into the bath together, the water feeling like needles against my skin.
It was Cyrus who wrapped me in his embrace this time, his fingers running through my hair. “Shh. It’s okay. I’m here. I love you.”
Other than my mom, Cyrus was the only person who’d ever loved me, and I hoped I didn’t ruin him, the way I’d done with her.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Cyrus
I held Crow as the tears flowed. I had no idea what happened. Usually I was such a heavy sleeper that it was difficult to wake me, but that hadn’t been the case this time. I’d heard him, my instincts immediately on alert, the heaviness in my gut telling me something was wrong. I still didn’t know what, but in that moment it didn’t matter. The only thing that did matter was Crow.
Crow, who gripped me like he was afraid if he let go, I would disappear. Crow, whose rough beard rubbed against my skin and whose fingers dug into my muscles while I stroked his head and tried to make sure he knew I would always be there. That no matter what it was, we would get through it together and he would never spend time on this mountain alone again if he didn’t want to.
Eventually, he calmed down, his hot tears landing on my skin slower and slower until they dried up again. Still, he didn’t let me go. There was fear in his hold…and sadness, but there was also love. How, I wanted to ask him. How can you love someone as broken as me? But then maybe that was why he could—we’d both been dropped time and time again, cracks in our armor, little pieces of us breaking off, but somehow, together, we filled in each other’s imperfections. All my cracks and chips were sealed in by Crow, and his by me.
We stayed in the water as long as we could. When it was getting too chilled, I brushed my mouth close to his ear and said, “Let me take you to bed, baby.”
He nodded. I knew Crow well enough by now to know he wouldn’t be giving me any words tonight, or if he did, they would be few. He stood first, then held his hand out for me. Even in situations like this, when he was hurting, Crow still tried to take care of me, still did his best to cling to whatever control he could, and I felt release in allowing him to have it. The way he took care of me stripped away years of loneliness, of feeling unloved, of being scared and not knowing what to do, of being thrown away. It was just another way we fit together so perfectly, but at the same time, I still longed to be able to give that to Crow sometimes too. To be the place where he knew he could break down and I would be the legs to hold him up.