Total pages in book: 74
Estimated words: 70546 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 353(@200wpm)___ 282(@250wpm)___ 235(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 70546 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 353(@200wpm)___ 282(@250wpm)___ 235(@300wpm)
I’m glad I’m sitting. The bed is hard, but it doesn’t feel hard enough to hold me up. I thought he was going to give me one of those—we’re leading different lives, and this isn’t going to work even if we might have developed a spark of feeling—lectures. I truly hadn’t expected him to say whatever he said.
“My grandma told me it doesn’t matter if we don’t get married. She’s not going to disown anyone. She’ll talk to your grandma too, but I think they just threatened to cut all of us from their will. They were never going to do it. It’s not just up to them either. I think our grandfathers would have a say, and mine no doubt thinks this has all gone far enough.”
I finally found my courage and voice. “Did you come to tell me that since we’re off the hook, we can part on good terms with no hard feelings?” I’m giving him an out. It’s not a trick, and it’s no joke. He can take it if he wants. I want him to have that freedom. I don’t want him to feel like he was obligated to come here. I never want to feel like that again. I was that for long enough. An obligation. He was that for me for the few days it took to get here, and I hated it too. I was that in his mind for years.
I try to tell myself that I’ll be fine. I can brace for it now, make it back home, and then fall apart slowly. I can put myself back together. I can heal. Time fixes all wounds or some such nonsense, though I’m not sure if I believe any of it except the nonsense bit.
I care.
I care about Thaddius. I care about his farm and his animals, I care about him and his relationship with his family, I care about his grumpiness and the poetry he hides, and I care about the tender spots he covers up with a thick exterior skin.
Maybe I came here to say I didn’t and would never care. Maybe I never wanted Thaddius in my life. I might have come to demand a contract that said we would never get married, but I found something else instead, and if that’s life playing a joke on me, then, for once, I don’t mind being the punchline.
As long as Thaddius is here to say he doesn’t mind it, either.
He still hasn’t said anything.
But after a few heart-wrenching moments, he finally said, “No.” All his breath, all his being, and all his feelings go into that one word. “That’s not what I came here to say.”
I feel like I could sink down into this bed and never get myself upright again. It’s a relief, it’s the fluttery feeling of butterflies inside, and it’s the warmth burning through me as my heart swells in my chest. I care. There’s no undoing it. If I go away from here now, I’m going to think about this and regret and care and not move on for a good while.
I search his face, search between what he’s saying and all that he’s still left unsaid. We both left a lot unsaid yesterday. It was why I didn’t feel right about leaving. There was something there. Something neither of us could get out—a whole lot of something that still needed to be worked on and worked out and finished.
Thaddius barely said anything to me yesterday when he dropped me off at the mechanic’s garage, but his silence said so much.
“What are we going to do then?” I’m scared to ask, but I’m done with letting my silence speak for me as well.
“My grandma suggested you get a place here in Upperhand. Or maybe in Seattle. She probably knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who has a great place for rent. And I can help you get a job. Or transfer your credits here so you can finish out your degree. If you want to stay, that is. She said we should do what regular people do and date. If that’s what we want.”
“Was she just saying that while hoping we’d rush into a marriage because of the pressures that still exist? Was it reverse psychology?”
“Not that I could tell. She just wants us to be happy. She came to tell me that what they did, binding us together like that, was wrong.”
“And she really meant it?”
This time, he’s more certain. “Yes.”
I exhale until my lungs pinch with it. This was more than even my optimistic, shiny brain sensor could hope for. “You know those movies that are so strange they’re actually good for being so weird? You get lost in it at first, and you don’t think you’ll like it, but you keep going because you already invested so much time in it, and it has potential if you could just understand where it’s going, and then kablam! It hits you, and it all clicks, and suddenly, it’s incredible. One of your favorites ever. You watch it again and again, and it still doesn’t fully make sense, even on the third or fourth time, but you love it more and more.”