Total pages in book: 155
Estimated words: 146417 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 732(@200wpm)___ 586(@250wpm)___ 488(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 146417 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 732(@200wpm)___ 586(@250wpm)___ 488(@300wpm)
Before he could answer, Ian was leaning forward. “I need a word with Beck, Father. If you don’t mind.”
Ezra put a hand on Beck’s shoulder and nodded Tag’s way. “Sure. I’ll go check on Roman.”
It had felt good to say those things to his brother. Why couldn’t he and Kim do the same?
They all filed out and he was left with Tag. He knew exactly what was coming. “I didn’t mean to hurt her.”
“And yet you did. I thought you were past this.”
He felt sick but he forced himself to breathe. “I did, too.”
Tag sat back with a sigh. “Thank god you’re not, man. For a while there I’d thought you’d become some weird perfect therapy patient. Kai was walking around like he’s some guru because he fixed you. I always knew deep down that you were as fucked up as the rest of us. All you needed was one specific trigger.”
He didn’t like the sound of that. “Kim is not a trigger.”
“She is totally a trigger for all that anger festering inside you,” Tag insisted. “See, you have to fix that. Me, I got a million triggers for my rage. Assholes who don’t drive the speed limit. Assholes who go way over the speed limit. Assholes on skateboards, unless they’re falling off their skateboards and then I think they’re hilarious. Asshole hipsters who say they won’t listen to anything but vinyl. Asshole…”
He held up a hand. “You don’t like assholes. Got it.”
Tag sobered. “The point is I’m angry all the time.”
Beck knew how that felt. “I’ve learned to control mine. It was a slip.”
“No, it was a trigger, and she needs to be the opposite of a trigger,” Tag countered. “She needs to be the button you push when you need to calm down. She needs to be the one thing in the world that can wash away all the bad shit. She and your son.”
He would have said she was, but once again their relationship had proven to be complex. “You know it’s not that simple.”
“It’s not simple for her either. She’s at a serious crossroads, and you need to help her make a choice that’s good for her and Roman and not that’s simply a reaction to you being an asshole.”
He didn’t want to push her away again, but he hadn’t imagined what had happened. “She was feeling sympathy for that bastard.”
Ian’s head shook. “No, she was feeling empathy because she could easily have become Levi Green. Any of us could. Why do you think I got out? I got out because I met my Charlie and even though I thought she was dead, I knew I couldn’t become the raging pit of darkness that I would become if I stayed in. Some people can do it. Some people can compartmentalize so well they can have a family and feel love and compassion and still walk into that office and move people around like chess pieces. I couldn’t. But if I hadn’t met Charlie, I think I would have. It’s so tempting to be in control every second of the day, to know you don’t have to be afraid because you’re the monster.”
“You’re saying you feel bad for Green?” It was hard to comprehend.
“My ability to see the hows and whys of Green won’t make me gut him with any less enthusiasm,” Tag promised. “Do I understand him? Yes. Do I understand that he had no one growing up, that he was a pawn to his parents? They threw money at him, and then there wasn’t any more money and he was totally on his own. With the exception of the money being gone, who does that sound like?”
He sighed because he knew where Tag was going with this. “I know it sounds like Kim.”
“She knows damn straight that she could be in Levi Green’s place,” Tag replied.
“That’s bullshit.” She wasn’t like that. Yes, she’d made some hard calls, but she wouldn’t have sold her soul.
“No, it’s not.” Tag obviously wasn’t backing down. “In this, I understand her far better than you can. You’re one of those people who can’t be moved. It’s not in you to do the wrong thing. You’ve proven that time and time again.”
“I’m not freaking Captain America. I’ve got blood on my hands, too.”
“When killing a person meant saving others, yes, you did,” Tag agreed. “You put your job on the line to take out someone who was killing his own people when you were ordered to work with him because it was in the best interests of the United States. You’re the guy who can’t stand by when someone is being hurt. Not for any reason. It’s why you should always have been on the civilian side.”
He sat back, a lot of what Tag was saying settling in. Had he not spent so much time with Kai, he might have dismissed it all and hung on to his anger. “So what you’re saying is Kim sees herself in what’s going on with Levi. There’s a part of her that understands why he did the things he did. He wanted to belong. He wanted to be important. He did everything his bosses wanted him to and more, and they are going to ruin him for it. But she wouldn’t have done any of it.”