Total pages in book: 19
Estimated words: 17808 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 89(@200wpm)___ 71(@250wpm)___ 59(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 17808 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 89(@200wpm)___ 71(@250wpm)___ 59(@300wpm)
He chuckled. “I did.”
The best way to get to the swimming hole—at least the side of it that wasn’t as popular, not that anyone would be there this late—was down an old gravel road that wasn’t used anymore. It had probably been an old service road for the Metroparks. There were trees and fields around it, the path leading all the way down to the water.
I left the lights on, then looked at Ronan, who was staring at me, his head cocked slightly, his forehead wrinkled. “Let’s get out, and I’ll explain everything.”
He nodded, and we did. We walked toward the water, Ronan quiet while I tried to figure out what I was going to say.
“I know this is going to sound absolutely ridiculous. I don’t know why it’s so important to me. I didn’t realize it was until I listed it on a message board under the topic for Never Have I Ever…”
I hesitated and gathered my thoughts, Ronan still giving me time to speak.
“When I was a teenager, before I came out, I met a boy online. We talked nearly every day for two years. We were both in the closet, both afraid to tell our families. He was my best friend, though I never told him that. He was my first true crush, the first boy to break my heart, even though we were never officially in a relationship, and I was the one who…
“Well, I’m getting ahead of myself because I didn’t even know his real name, but…we’d just graduated from high school—we went to different schools—and we’d finally decided we were going to meet. He was…he was much more confident than I was. Kind of like you, actually. Even though he was in the closet, he was a flirt.”
The memory pulled a soft laugh from me and squeezed my heart. How could I miss someone eight years later, someone I’d never even met?
“Anyway, we’d made a plan to come here…late at night. He teased me about going skinny-dipping with him, how we were going to do something wild together because the only time we could really be us was with each other. I was so scared, but I wanted it so bad. I came, and he was already here, and I…I don’t know what was wrong with me, Ronan. I freaked out. I froze. I was so scared that I wouldn’t be what he expected, and he wouldn’t like me anymore once he knew me in real life. I didn’t feel worthy of him. I was just this geek who liked books. So…I left. I left him here, waiting for me at the swimming hole, and it’s the biggest regret of my life. I can never have that moment back with him, but…I need it for myself. It might not make sense, but I need to skinny-dip in this water to prove I can do it, to capture the moment for myself that I wanted so badly but didn’t have the courage to take, and I hoped… You don’t have to, but I hoped you would do it with me.”
I waited for what felt like an eternity for Ronan to reply, for him to say something or acknowledge the request I’d just word-vomited, but he didn’t. He just stared at me with this pained yet awed look that I might have been misreading. I didn’t know why he would feel those things.
“It’s you,” he finally said softly.
“What’s me?”
He smiled. “BookBoy. Jesus, how is it possible? It’s you.”
It hit me then what he was saying. I would say like a ton of bricks, but that would hurt, and this was fucking incredible, amazing, and so many other damn adjectives I was drawing a blank on right then because…it was him. It felt impossible, but there was no way he could know my old screen name if it wasn’t him. “MakeYouSmile?” The moniker was all him. No one made me smile the way Ronan did. The way he made everyone smile.
“Yes. I can’t believe it’s fucking you. I thought I did something wrong, that I pushed you, and—”
“No! It wasn’t your fault. I was scared and insecure. I hated myself for not going through with it. I haven’t forgotten it since. It took me weeks to log in again, and when I did, you never responded.” Ronan was MakeYouSmile. Ronan was my first crush. Ronan was…everything.
“I checked online at first, but it must’ve been before you messaged. And then I came out, and shit went downhill from there. I left, and I thought…I thought you didn’t want me.”
My heart dropped and broke for him. He’d thought I’d abandoned him, and then his family had too. “I wanted you. I wanted you so damn much, but I was afraid of letting you down because I’m… Well, I’ve never thought of myself as a catch if you get what I’m saying. I want you even more now.”