Total pages in book: 65
Estimated words: 59231 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 296(@200wpm)___ 237(@250wpm)___ 197(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 59231 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 296(@200wpm)___ 237(@250wpm)___ 197(@300wpm)
As I rocked Leo and heard him gurgle and coo, the only thing I wanted was to have Ryan there to share in the moment with me. Even thinking about him leaving tore my heart out. I loved him. I wanted to have our family together, the three of us, and get stronger and better together.
I tried to push it into the back of my mind as Ryan came back in the room and kissed the top of my head. He stayed there a moment, hovering over the rocking chair and staring down at Leo. I looked up into his eyes, which were focused on the baby, and felt like there was no way something could be separating the two of us. Or at least the two of them. He seemed so enamored, so in love with his son, that I felt silly for worrying so much.
Then, from inside his pocket, his phone buzzed. A curious look came across his face, and he instinctively patted the outside of his pocket before reaching in and pulling the phone out. I tried to catch a glimpse of the screen as he did, but all I could see was a flash of lighter color than his normal background before he got it up to his face.
“Ah, I’ll be right back,” he said.
“Again?” I asked. It was the third time that day.
“Sorry, it’ll only be a second,” he said, swiping to open the call and effectively cutting off my protest.
I decided that was it. I had to confront him. Whatever was going on was something I needed to be privy to. Even if it was the worst possible thing I could imagine, not knowing was somehow worse. If he had someone on the side, I deserved to know that and end the relationship. If he was having health or family problems, I should at least get a heads-up. This was unfair.
It was late, and I was exhausted. I just wanted to lie down and go to sleep, and with the happy baby on my chest, I had a small window to do just that. I stood and crossed the room, laying Leo down in his crib right beside the bed and then climbed in myself. I was asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow.
It didn’t last long. I woke up a half hour later, the room dark and Ryan in bed with me. I struggled to get back to sleep next to him. Everything that was running through my mind about his secrecy, and the pressure of knowing this might be the last night he was with me if he reacted poorly to me confronting him, was too much. I tossed and turned, eventually long enough that the baby woke up to eat again and was back to sleep before I felt sleepy once more.
21
RYAN
It was so close to the big reveal. I just had to hang on a little while longer. It would be worth it. I knew it would.
I kept telling myself that every time doubt settled in my mind. Allison seemed tense for a couple of days, but I felt like she would understand why I might not have been as attentive recently. She was having trouble sleeping too, so I tried to not disturb her much, especially when I got up. I wanted to let her sleep as long as possible and get the rest she needed.
Leo was making noise in his crib and gurgling the way he tended to right before he got loud, wanting to eat. Allison had pumped a few bottles that were in the fridge, waiting for me in case she was asleep or I wanted to feed him. I slipped into the kitchen and warmed one of them up, then came and scooped up Leo before he could get going with the siren wail that I knew would get Allison up and moving toward him before her eyes even opened.
I walked into the living room, bouncing him a bit as I tried to get him somewhere that I could sit and feed him quietly without making enough noise that it would wake Allison. Settling into the couch, I put the bottle to his lips, and he began happily suckling, his little body settling and relaxing as I held him close to my heart.
I whispered the secrets of life, as much as I knew them anyway, and gave him advice that I knew he wouldn’t use for decades to come. Yet, there was a bond there, something so pure about telling my little boy about how the world worked even if he wasn’t able to understand what I said. As he slowly fell back to sleep, a dribble of milk running down his chin, I grinned.
Putting a cloth over my shoulder, I picked him up and gently patted his back until I heard a little burp and then brought him gently back down into my arms. As I did, I heard rustling in the bedroom and then the door opened. Allison came out and went directly into the kitchen. I heard the unmistakable sounds of her making tea, using the coffee pod maker to make hot water and dropping tea bags in.