Total pages in book: 196
Estimated words: 180438 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 902(@200wpm)___ 722(@250wpm)___ 601(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 180438 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 902(@200wpm)___ 722(@250wpm)___ 601(@300wpm)
Because there was no escaping my thoughts, I started crying uncontrollably as the weight of the world landed heavily on my shoulders. I crawled into a ball in the backseat of the unknown car and cried my heart out as everything hit me all at once for the one-hundredth time. It was like reliving the same nightmare over and over again.
My tears turned into wails as the reality of what I was facing hit home. I was broke, with no prospects, no friends, and no one to turn to for help. The wails sounded even to my ears like the mourning of a wounded animal. They reeked of loss and despair with just a hint of madness. Even my thoughts didn’t sound like my own, the words in my head like someone else’s. And that wailing kept getting louder and louder.
I guess it was too much because one of the men turned on the radio, which only made things worse because it reminded me of that horrible song that I’d been forced to listen to back at the warehouse. Will I ever get those words out of my head? The words that told me the whole world now knew the truth and were already laughing at me.
How could I ever face anyone ever again? Who could I turn to for help when there was no one and never had been? Everyone in my life has only ever used me in one way or another and never really gave a damn about me.
All I ever wanted was for Ryder to love me, to look at me with the same adoration and longing he saved for her. That wasn’t too much to ask, was it? Doesn’t everyone deserve that much, at least? Why couldn’t he be my one? Why couldn’t he love me the way I needed him to?
I felt like I was going crazy as if I wanted to crawl out of my skin to escape. The thought of facing another day like this left me with a heavy weight on my chest and a burden that was too hard for me to carry. The thought that no one cared was just too much, and I found myself almost giving in to the feeling of despair that I’d been staving off for days, weeks, maybe even years.
Just when I was ready to throw in the towel, just close my eyes and escape, never to awaken, a voice in my head prodded me again, and I got back on the merry-go-round of madness. What are these pills? And why are they making me feel so strange?
Why are my thoughts so fractured and all over the place? Why, even when I try shirking the truth even to myself, is my mind not allowing me to? I felt another burst of energy rush through me, and even though I knew it was the pills, I couldn’t deny the euphoria.
I was once again emboldened, no longer feeling like I was wading in the deep, and I was back to feeling optimistic. Why had I been so quick to give up? Why was I forgetting everything that I had taught myself through the years? How could her love be any better than mine?
Life cannot be this unfair. I did nothing to deserve any of this, no more than the average person in our circles anyway. Some had done much worse and had never paid the price. I could tell stories about the things I’d seen and heard among the so-called Hollywood elite, things not fit for humans. So why was I the only one paying the price?
It can’t be over; it can’t just end like this without any warning. I won’t let it. That resurgence of energy lit a spark in me, and I was almost there, almost in the sunlight once again, but once again, my mind went off on a tangent, escaping me and leaving me in the fog once more.
I tried to remember all the things I wanted to do, all the things I should’ve done when I had Ryder in my grip. All the things I should’ve attended to instead of trying to replace Elena in his heart and mind.
There was so much that I still wanted, things I had let myself dream and believe, especially after he agreed to the wedding. Had it all been lies? Had the things I’d been told by my parents and Matt only to get what they wanted out of the deal? They’d promised me that with time, Ryder would come around and love me the same way he had her.
They’d assured me that with the close proximity of us living together, he was bound to fall in love with me, and all I needed was patience and a will to succeed. I’d been too stupid to see beyond the ceremony, believing that once it was over, everything would fall into place, and we’d live happily ever after.