Total pages in book: 148
Estimated words: 135517 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 678(@200wpm)___ 542(@250wpm)___ 452(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 135517 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 678(@200wpm)___ 542(@250wpm)___ 452(@300wpm)
I dreamed of him that night, of better times, happier times, and cried in my sleep when I remembered the look on his face when he looked up at me on that stage. There was so much hurt and regret in his eyes, on his face. I know him so well that I’d seen all of that in just a few seconds, and it was tearing my heart out, even in my sleep.
When we were together, I’d stand in the way of anything that could harm him. I was there for all of his highs and lows, and no one worked harder to get him the help he needed but me. I worried about what he was feeling now, only now giving any thought to what he must’ve been going through in the lead-up to the show.
He must’ve known that I would be there, that I would be performing, and yet he’d come. What were his expectations upon coming there? Did he expect to prove to himself that he was over me, over us? What was it that he hoped to get out of the night? And did he get what he was after?
I’d been so focused on him that I hadn’t even looked at her. In all of this, I tried very hard not to blame her because she never made me any promises; he did. She wasn’t the one I’d planned to spend the rest of my life with; he was. So, she owed me nothing.
I don’t love her; I don’t hate her. I feel nothing towards her except for the part she played in being used to hurt me. In the end, she won, and that’s all there is to it. My eyes came open with that realization. That’s it! That’s what I’ve been battling all this time. I’ve been feeling like a failure like I’d let myself down, I’d let him down, and all those people who’d been rooting for us.
But it wasn’t me who broke us apart; he’d done that all by himself. Because he didn’t talk to me, I’d been carrying around this guilt, blaming myself as if it were my fault that this had happened. What else was I supposed to think?
But now, no. I didn’t do a damn thing to deserve to be treated this way. I hadn’t broken any promises, hadn’t done anything that he would’ve found suspect. So, no matter the reason, it was his. Everything was his choice, and now it’s mine. It’s my choice to stop it here and now.
I made up my mind not to share my thoughts with anyone. I’ll do all the groundwork, and when the time is right, I’ll know who to turn to get the word out. I only had three hours of sleep, but I felt alive for the first time in three and a half years. It was time to take the power back.
***
“I know you don’t like looking at social media, but I just had to share this with you.” Sydney dropped down on the bed beside me. It had been three weeks since I made up my mind to share my mental anguish with the world, and I’d been busy shut away in my room. Sydney had finally gone back to work, so I had all the time in the world.
Her mention of social media, though, was about to set me back a bit. “No-no, not that face, it’s good. Would I mention it to you if it wasn’t? You don’t have to look; I’ll read it to you. So, here we go. Elena Gianni has taken the world by storm. The young actress-turned-singer has released her best album to date.”
“The first single took over the charts and has been in the number one spot for more than two weeks at the time of this publication, but what we did not expect was for the entire album to produce hit after hit. Now everyone is holding their breath for what might be in store next for the young superstar.”
“Superstar? Really? Let me see that.” I took the phone and read the first story and the next and the next after that, all filled with praise and admiration. I’m not gonna lie; my ego was well and truly fed, though, in the back of my mind, I reminded myself that these same people would be tearing me down in a matter of days if given a chance because that’s what sells, I guess.
I was proud of myself that I didn’t let the praise get to me. I accepted it, of course, and thanked Sydney for sharing it with me, but deep down inside; I think I was over it. When I was trauma-seeking, there were lots of questions about what I could’ve done to cause Ryder to treat me in that way. There was a lot of speculation that maybe I had done the unthinkable, and he never once defended me or put a stop to the lies.