Total pages in book: 148
Estimated words: 135517 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 678(@200wpm)___ 542(@250wpm)___ 452(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 135517 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 678(@200wpm)___ 542(@250wpm)___ 452(@300wpm)
She had never given me a reason to doubt her, and yet I allowed others to plant seeds of doubt in my mind. She had always shown me nothing but love and kindness, and yet I had misused it, turning it against her. The weight of my shame is heavy, and my anger at myself is intense.
Once the anger at the people around me had subsided, I realized and accepted that most of the blame lies with me, and as hard a pill as that is to swallow, I had to bear it and look internally for the root of the problem so I could work on it. I have a feeling that had I not been working so hard on myself these last few weeks, those two men wouldn’t have brought me here, no matter what I said.
I’m ashamed and pleased that two complete strangers care so much for her. Ashamed that it took me this long to get it right while these two men who’d never met her, never got to see her greatness up close, were so willing to go to bat for her and pleased that they were that they too had seen what she was worth just by her actions alone. Though I suspect, they know more than they let on, but that’s a whole other story.
I listened to her easy breathing, something I didn’t know how much I missed until now, and the warmth of her body close to mine was a familiar joy I never expected to feel again but would fight tooth and nail, never to lose again in this lifetime.
I was unsure what I expected to happen when I rushed here, but this wasn’t part of it. Knowing Elena, I expected her to give me hell for the next twenty years at least, but I guess I’d underestimated that thing that surpasses the love that we both have for each other. That thing inside of us that had died and withered while we were apart, only to burst into flames and come alive the moment we were close to each other again.
I know my actions of late haven’t exactly shown that we share that kind of special bond, but there are some things between us that the public and no one other than us know and would understand. As soon as I saw her again, those feelings were reawakened, and it was as if time had not gone by. Reconciliation after the pain and suffering I had caused wasn’t the unclimbable mountain it had appeared to be in my once fractured mind.
As soon as I laid eyes on her, something in me recognized that special something in her, and all I wanted was to come home. There’s no denying that she’s my anchor, that she’s that one thing in this world that I need to be a complete me. My issue now is, am I still the same for her?
It hit me harder than anything else had in the last five years just seeing her. I didn’t expect the impact or how it would make me feel, and what I felt was not good. I could blame any number of people for what went down between us, but in the end, I was the one she trusted most as she said; I was the one who should’ve protected her and our love.
Now looking back, there were so many things I could’ve done differently, so many ways in which I could’ve thwarted them, but I was too dumb to see it. I’ve decided to stop blaming high for everything that happened in the past; it was the only way I could see to take accountability for my actions so that I didn’t make the same mistakes again. So, in the end, it was all on me.
I was a wretch to her way before any of this happened. Those times when she was the only one who was really there for me, I took her for granted; I took us for granted. I think, in some ways, I never expected us to last, nothing in this town ever does, and it just always seemed as if the odds were stacked against us.
We were so young when we started, and the truth is that beyond Hollywood, neither of us had any good examples of what a long-lasting relationship looked like in our personal lives. Both our parents were divorced, and there weren’t that many happy couples around us to look up to. There were no healthy relationships from which to take guidance.
I realized that I would act up when things were at their best, but after much thought, I believe that it was some kind of underlying fear that made me that way—the fear of one day losing her and the happiness she brought into my life.