Total pages in book: 90
Estimated words: 87142 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 436(@200wpm)___ 349(@250wpm)___ 290(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 87142 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 436(@200wpm)___ 349(@250wpm)___ 290(@300wpm)
“My best guess is it means that she got too close, you couldn’t handle your feelings, and then you hit the self-destruct button.” She lifted a brow. “How close am I?”
I looked away.
“That’s what I thought.”
“She thinks she needs to fix me.” I started rolling the bottle again. “I told her to choose between loving me just like I was and fixing me. She chose to fix me, because that’s what she does. Something isn’t perfect? Zoe to the rescue. Someone doesn’t work? Zoe’s on it. She’d rather know she accomplished her mission than stick it out with a mess she can’t manage.”
“No way. If someone walked away, it was you. That woman loves you.”
“She only thinks she does,” I argued.
“Right, because you’re an expert on the way women think? What she thinks?”
“I know enough about women—”
“In bed!” Quinn snapped.
“I’ve never taken you to bed, and I know you pretty damn well.”
“Thank God for that,” she muttered, then sighed. “What did she say exactly?”
“Do we have to do this?” I shoved away from the table and walked to the railing, turning to lean against it the same way I had every morning when Zoe had taken her coffee out here.
“Yes, we do! You broke that woman, Nix, and from what I see, you’re just as shattered. So yeah, we have to do this. What did she say?” She folded her arms across her chest.
“Fine. She said if the choice was between her loving me, or her stepping aside so I could be healthy enough to love someone, she’d choose that. She’d choose to fix me, rather than love me.”
Quinn’s face slackened. “She really said that.”
“Yeah. She tells me she loves me and then less than twenty-four hours later, she’s dropping that shit.”
“Restating that she loves you?” Quinn’s eyes narrowed. “Is that what you mean by dropping that shit?”
I bristled. “She’d rather fix me than take me as I am.”
“Well, let’s ignore for a second that you’re pretty messed up, shall we?” She stood. “Listen to what she said. She loves you so much that she’s willing to break her own heart, if that means you’ll be able to experience love, even if that means she’s not the one you love. That’s some pretty heavy self-sacrifice.”
“That’s not…” I ran my hands over my hair and tried to find the words. “Who the hell does that? I wouldn’t trade her love so she could go love someone else.” Screw that.
“Isn’t that what you’re doing?”
I sagged against the railing. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“At least we can agree on that.”
“What if there’s no fixing me? What if this is just the way I am?”
“You still going to therapy?”
“Every Thursday like clockwork,” I replied, cringing at the sight of Wannabe Shannon’s silhouette crossing the far window. Fuck, I missed Zoe. I missed her smile, and her laugh. I missed her sense of humor and wit. I missed her kisses, and her body, and the smell of her shampoo.
“How is that possible without your phone to keep you on that clockwork?” Quinn challenged.
“I bought a paper planner.” I shrugged. “They’re really quite practical.”
“Wow. I’m not touching that statement with a ten-foot pole.” She slid her phone out of her pocket, checking a message. “Sorry, that’s Graham.”
“She accused me of using her like a fix.” The admission slipped out as a whisper.
“Are you?” Quinn’s eyebrows shot up, and she put her phone back.
“I…” Touching her was the ultimate rush. Being inside her was the sweetest oblivion possible, where nothing else mattered but how good I could make her feel. “I don’t know. I mean, it’s more than that. I don’t have words to describe the way I feel about her, but when it comes to sex? I don’t know.”
“I’m impressed that you recognize it.” Quinn nodded. “I think there’s a certain level of addiction we all have for the people we love. I live off the sound of Graham’s voice, his touch, his smile.” She sighed. “I don’t know where that line is for you, but I bet your therapist does. And there’s a word for what you feel—it’s love.”
Love.
The perpetual ache in my chest grew, sweetened even through the pain. Shit. Yeah, I was in love with her. “I’m no good for her.”
“You should probably let her decide that, don’t you think?”
“Maybe I should let her find someone capable of loving her the way she deserves. Someone who doesn’t have to be fixed.”
“Yeah, well, if you can live with knowing she’s out there with someone else, kissing them, loving them, marrying them, making babies with—”
“Holy hell, stop!” I rubbed at my chest.
“Right. There’s your answer. Now Colin wants pizza, so why don’t you grab the new phone I left you on the kitchen counter and join us?” She nodded toward the door.
“Leave the penthouse.”
“I’ll hold your hand the whole time, big boy.” She wiggled her fingers. “Come on. There’s life out there, and while I’ll ignore your possession of a paper planner, I do insist that you power up that phone. It’s already set to your old number. Unless you’ve decided to go back to mailing letters instead of texting?” She raised her eyebrows.