Total pages in book: 86
Estimated words: 81423 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 407(@200wpm)___ 326(@250wpm)___ 271(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 81423 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 407(@200wpm)___ 326(@250wpm)___ 271(@300wpm)
“When I had him, I felt like everything was worth it, all the lies I told myself about who I was, because it brought me this perfect little person whom I adored. I was going to do right by him, by my family, no matter what.”
When I saw her hand begin to shake, I reached over and placed mine on top of hers, offering my support.
“Anyway, Callum—that’s my son—started to grow older. He had some health problems, had since the beginning but he was a little fighter. He was such a joy to watch grow up. My fun-loving, happy, silly boy. His daddy wasn’t real active in his life, but then, he saw that as my job as his mom. He wasn’t the kind who spoke about their feelings, and he had certain expectations of Callum. Eventually, my son started to get sadder, and I didn’t know why. I’d ask him and he’d blow it off, telling me it was nothing. My husband told me I was imagining things. As a mom, I knew I wasn’t. I was watching my pride and joy slip away from me, but I didn’t know how to fix it. One day, he was home from college, and I found something…and realized my son was like me, those things I’d told myself weren’t true, the feelings I had. He had them to. I knew my husband wouldn’t accept it, and I knew the beliefs I’d been raised with told me it wasn’t okay, so when he came into the room, I asked him about it. When he told me he thought he might be gay, I didn’t… I’m ashamed to admit it, but I didn’t react the best way.”
“Mary Beth…”
She had tears running down her face now, and she wouldn’t look at me. There was a heavy weight in my gut, mixed emotions flowing through my veins. I’d never get it, why it mattered so much to people. Why love or attraction were such a big deal.
“Just let me get this out,” she said.
“Okay.”
“Telling my child he could deny who he was, obviously wasn’t the best way to react. He lost himself even more. Started failing his classes. Rarely called me. He’d always been my best friend. We’d been close, and I knew I was the one who had pushed him away. Then it hit me one day, how much it didn’t matter. I was his mother. I was supposed to protect him. I’d fought to have him and had taken care of him when he was sick, had kissed his scraped knees, had moments when I feared he wouldn’t be okay and knew I would do anything for him. And when it really counted, I’d failed him. So I called him up, took back what I’d said to him, told him there was nothing wrong with who he was, that he had the right to love whoever he loved, and I was proud of him. But by then the damage was done. I’d lost my son, and he’d lost himself. He was in denial, and I knew that was my fault.”
“Jesus, Mary Beth. I’m so sorry.” They were such simple words, but I didn’t know what else to say.
She pulled her hand free and wiped her tears.
“Me too. Anyway, I didn’t give up. I kept trying, kept calling, kept making sure he knew I loved him, kept trying to get him to love himself. His father and I divorced. We never had a healthy relationship to begin with. I never loved him as I should have, and he didn’t love me either. He wanted a perfect wife, not me specifically, and my sudden advocacy for LGBTQ+ rights and mental health didn’t fit the image he wanted to portray.
“Eventually, my son found his way, but it wasn’t because of me. It was because of himself, which was why I told you before that your guy reminds me of Callum. He dealt with his depression, and he’s out and proud, but…our relationship was never the same. It’s my fault.” She lowered her voice, looked down as she spoke. “I’ve never even told him about me. I haven’t ever…I’ve never really fallen in love myself.”
“You deserve love too.” Christ, she’d denied herself all these years, first unable to accept who she was, then as punishment for her reaction to her son. “You deserve love too,” I said again.
“Eh. Time will tell. I really just want back my relationship with my son. I want to have never failed him. And it’s not as if we don’t ever talk. I don’t want to make it sound like that, but it’s different. I know he doesn’t trust me the way he did. I know he doesn’t see me the way he used to. I let him down when he needed me.”