Total pages in book: 86
Estimated words: 82829 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 414(@200wpm)___ 331(@250wpm)___ 276(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 82829 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 414(@200wpm)___ 331(@250wpm)___ 276(@300wpm)
“I love him…”
I wondered, of course, but I think part of me worries I’m not very lovable. Not for most people, at least. John and Callie always have. Jay did in other ways, and now he’s in love with me. It’s a bright spot in the darkness trying to take over my soul.
When we get home, I fight to push away the emptiness, try to lock John’s words away, to forget the way he looked at me, how disgusted he was and how I let him down.
“I’m so sorry that went the way it did,” I tell Jay the second we’re inside. He’s right in front of me, looking up at me with emotional blue eyes. I push the hair off his forehead. “What he said…about the things we do. There is nothing wrong with it. You’re not wrong. You’re not somehow broken for needing the things you do, and if you ever decide you don’t need them anymore, that’s okay too.”
He nods and leans in, pressing his forehead to my pec. My lips press down against the top of his head, and I breathe in the scent of my shampoo on him.
“Do you know those things too?” he asks. “Hearing it from Dad…that couldn’t have been easy.”
My hands move to his waist, holding him close. “No, they weren’t. But I betrayed him.”
“We didn’t do it on purpose.”
Not in the beginning, but once I knew who Jay was, I had a choice. I told myself I did it for him, but I did it for me because I want him so damn much. “What do you need from me, sweet boy?” I ask, rather than responding directly to what he said.
“To help take care of you,” he replies softly. “To be close to you. Can we just do that for a little while?” The simple question is like a magic balm, easing the tension inside me. I want to be close to him too, want our give-and-take to fall into step the way it’s supposed to, like a melody that sings to us both.
“I think that sounds perfect.”
“I’ll go get some ice for your face.”
I nod, and he goes to the kitchen while I make my way into the living room. After removing my shoes, I sit on the couch, face suddenly beginning to throb more.
Jay joins me moments later, his sneakers removed as well, and sits beside me. I drop my head against the back of the couch when he places the ice pack against my cheek. “John has a really strong swing. Who would have thought?” I close my eyes, wishing I didn’t see the look on my ex-best friend’s face when I do.
“I can’t believe he hit you. I’ll never forgive him for that.”
My lids pop open. “No. I don’t want that. I don’t want what is between me and your dad to come between you and your parents. Regardless of the circumstances, I did betray your father. I knew what was at stake, and how he felt, and I did it anyway. I’m in the wrong here, and though violence isn’t the answer, and he couldn’t be more wrong, from his perspective, I’m hurting his only son in a way you shouldn’t be hurt.”
Despite knowing John is wrong about BDSM and kink, I can’t help hating myself for everything that’s happened, for doing what I do with his son.
“He’s judgmental. He hit you in anger. You would never do that to me or to him. You give me what I want and set me free. He tries to put me in chains. Plus, impact play isn’t even the main piece of what we do.”
No, it’s not, but that’s irrelevant. It’s how John sees this. “I don’t think him knowing the rest of it will make things any better.”
“I like what we do.”
I sigh, my chest swelling because of this sweet boy. “I like it too. Come here. I want to hold you.”
Jay sits back against my right arm, head on my shoulder, facing me slightly so he can hold the ice to me. We stay like that, just being close. Eventually, we end up lying down together, limbs tangled as we fit ourselves on a couch that’s not technically large enough for both of us to be on comfortably. It’s never mattered before, and it definitely doesn’t now.
Jay falls asleep, and I watch him for a little while. When I look at him now, he’s a completely different person to me than he was before we met up in that coffeehouse.
“I love him.”
I keep hearing the conviction in his voice when he said those three words to his parents. He’s so fucking brave, so strong in who he is. I knew that before, of course—the way he never did what his parents thought he should do—but I see it even more in him now.