Total pages in book: 74
Estimated words: 74022 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 370(@200wpm)___ 296(@250wpm)___ 247(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 74022 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 370(@200wpm)___ 296(@250wpm)___ 247(@300wpm)
“I understand that, Malakai, I do, but I can’t ... I just can’t accept it. I can’t ever see him the same. You weren’t there, you didn’t see it. He just kept hitting him, over and over, like he could see and feel nothing else.”
“That’s because he couldn’t,” Malakai says, holding my eyes. “That’s because he lost his shit, and he’s going to have to live with that. He knows that. He’s fucked up over it. Hasn’t spoken a fuckin’ word for days. You gotta know, he’d never hurt you.”
That makes my heart clench, because I don’t want him to drown in anymore demons. He’s lived with enough. He doesn’t deserve more. But right now, I can’t be what he needs to get through that.
“I know he’d never hurt me,” I say softly. “I know that. But you have to know ... I know what my life is, and isn’t, and unfortunately, this life isn’t what I want. Does that make me so bad?”
Malakai shakes his head. “Fuck no it doesn’t, but don’t punish him for it, yeah? You’ve made your choice, respect the hell out of you for doin’ it, but forgive him. Please fuckin’ forgive him. That man can’t live with more blood on his hands.”
My heart twists.
“I’m not ready.”
He nods. “When you are, make sure he knows it. Even if it’s the last thing you ever say to him, I’m fuckin’ beggin’ you, make sure he knows it.”
I swallow and nod carefully.
I don’t want Boston to live with this, I really don’t, but right now I’m not ready to get past it. I still shut my eyes and see it, over and over, I just see it and it burns. It burns my damned soul. I can’t live with that, not right now. Maybe one day I can, but right now, I just can’t.
“Rest up, take care, and don’t worry about any of it. Club has it covered. Amalie and Scarlett are onto gettin’ your furniture so you can move back home.”
“Cassie, is she ... okay?”
Malakai nods. “She’s doin’ okay. Worried about you. Worried about her brother. And scared, but she’s okay.”
I nod, rubbing my arms.
“Put your demons to bed, Penelope,” Malakai says, standing. “Don’t let them eat you alive. Because they will.”
With that, he walks out.
And I turn and just stare out the window.
Will these demons leave me? Or am I going to forever see the moment my ex-husband took his last breath, as the man I thought I was falling for, dragged the life out of him?
Will I ever stop seeing that?
My heart aches and I lay down, curling onto my side, my leg throbbing. A tear runs down my cheek, followed by another, and then I just sob. I cry and cry until there is nothing left. I think about Cassie. I think about Boston. I think about the club. I think about Ashton. I let it all replay in my head until I’m exhausted and can’t cry anymore tears.
I don’t want to lose the club, or Boston, or Cassie. They’re my family, and without them, I’d not be where I am.
But their world, it scares me. It scares me more than I ever could have imagined. Can I live both? Can I keep working with Cassie, be friends with Boston, and yet keep myself away from it completely?
Or am I fooling myself into believing that I’m ever going to be okay after seeing what I saw? My ex-husband is dead. He’s gone. He didn’t deserve that. He was sick and unwell, but he didn’t deserve to die.
My house, it’s tarnished.
Everything in my life right now, feels ... broken.
Maybe the best thing for everyone, including me, is if I just say goodbye to it all, forgive and forget, and move on with my life.
Away from all of them.
But can I honestly do that?
Say goodbye to the family I’ve come to know and love.
All to start again.
On my own?
I don’t know.
I just don’t know.
~20~
NOW – CHANTELLE
Saskia stares at me.
Her eyes are locked on mine.
Then she pulls out a little white stick from her coat pocket and holds it out.
My heart starts racing and I look up at her. I forgot just before the attack I took that damned test, and that plus sign has tormented me since, especially when Boston was here, and I wanted to scream it out loud, because I was scared, but I couldn’t say anything.
Then he left.
He went to Penny.
He chose Penny.
So now, I’m here, alone and completely confused, not knowing what it is I should be doing next. Should I tell him? Should I just leave and do it alone, leaving everything behind me. I don’t know, and that part is almost as scary as the fact that I’m growing a little human, and that human belongs to the man I’ve fallen in love with.