Total pages in book: 74
Estimated words: 72692 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 363(@200wpm)___ 291(@250wpm)___ 242(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 72692 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 363(@200wpm)___ 291(@250wpm)___ 242(@300wpm)
“Got it.”
Baby.
Baby?
“Lots of women have babies when they’re into this lifestyle,” she says.
Uh, okay.
I need to know what’s going on, and I need to know now.
“If I’m pregnant, I need to swear you to secrecy. For now, anyway.”
She nods, though she looks a bit apprehensive about this concept. “Of course.”
I can’t tell her why, but a part of me fears that if I find out I’m pregnant, he’ll stay with me out of loyalty. That’s who he is, fiercely protective and loyal to a fault.
I want to be cherished, not kept out of obligation.
I want to love and be loved, not paired with someone who could never truly love me back.
I’m too young for him, too naïve, and he deserves someone who could truly meet his needs.
If I’m pregnant and I stay with him, I’ll never know… was it loyalty or love that kept us together? I don’t want him to stay with me out of a sheer sense of loyalty. I want to know that he chose me.
After all I’ve been through–the loss of my parents and having to go it alone, learning how to adult without the presence of anyone to emulate or learn from, distance from Nicolette, even though I’ll never fault her for trying to provide for me–I can’t risk being left all over again.
I can’t spend the rest of my life wondering if he truly loves me.
Especially not by the only man I’ve ever loved.
I need distance and clarity and time, no matter what that test reveals.
I realize I’m pacing the room, tugging on the collar Thayer put on me the night in the glass-paneled room and has yet to remove. I finger the metal and give it a tug. He likes to play with it and caress it when we make love. There was a time when the sturdiness of it gave me comfort, a physical reminder of his presence and love. But now…
As she’s packing up her things, the doctor frowns and points to the metal collar.
“I don’t want to overstep,” she says quietly, with a note of concern that paints her voice. “But are you aware that this is a tracking device?”
I stop pacing. “A what?”
“Tracking device,” she repeats. I know what the words mean but somehow have a hard time making it all click. “Exactly the same as they use on pets to track their whereabouts in the event of an escape.” She frowns. “Normally I’d keep my opinions to myself, but if you’re pregnant… it could prove risky.” She bites her lip before she continues. It occurs to me then, and I’m not sure why it took me so long to realize this—she’s afraid of Thayer.
“What else?” I whisper, while my mind still plays with the concept of him tracking me like I’m an animal.
“It doesn’t come off easily, for one. It has to be removed with wire cutters and could inhibit circulation in the event of an emergency. Another—”
“Take it off,” I interrupt. I don’t want to hear another word. I don’t need to hear about the risks. I want it off.
How could he? After all we’ve been through, after all I’ve surrendered to him. I’ve trusted him implicitly and he doesn’t trust me at all?
She sighs and nods. “Of course. I can do that. I’ll have to fetch an instrument we use in an emergency situation to remove rings on swollen fingers or the like. I know we keep one in some of the playroom emergency kits.” She looks around her as if expecting Thayer to come storming in here, before she shakes her head. “I’ll be back soon.”
I sit, staring into nothingness. I feel numb as I wait for her, the new knowledge of his actions and the impending results of the test I’m going to take weighing me down, muddling my thoughts, stirring up feelings that I don’t like.
She isn’t gone long, likely moving as fast as she can so she can be done with this and hightail it out of here before he returns.
I glance at the time. He’ll be back any second now.
I close my eyes, my cheeks damp with tears, when she cuts the clasp.
I hate the feeling of the collar coming off. I don’t like the way it looks in her hands, broken and clipped, as if it symbolizes our severed union. A bird with broken wings, unable to fly.
Before I go—and I have to go—I need to know one thing.
I know what I have to do.
I tell myself I’m free now. No longer encumbered with anything that will weigh me down.
But I don’t feel free. I don’t at all. I feel… alone.
I square my shoulders and face the doctor. “Alright, then. Let’s take that test.”
EIGHTEEN
Thayer
I check the time and watch the seconds tick by. I said ten minutes. Time’s up.
I’m walking toward my room to see if she’s okay when I hear my name.